


This Isn't My Identity

by DAgron01



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Ace!Beatrice, Awkward Romance, Camila is adorable and I love her, F/F, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, These characters have consumed my life, lots of introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25470907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01
Summary: Somehow, during a war between heaven and hell, Beatrice finds herself. And she and Ava fall in love.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 92
Kudos: 635





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song, "Only a Memory" by Icon For Hire. 
> 
> Also, the chapters will be short so that hopefully I am able to update more often. This won't be a very long story (especially compared to what I usually write). But I feel compelled to write again and this is what came out. Hope you like it!
> 
> Follow me on twitter to scream about any thoughts and feelings about the show if you want it. @2BeEnough

Beatrice knows her mind has spiraled but there isn’t much she can do to control it now. She paces the room, waiting for an answer; maybe some divine intervention or message from God. Ava has been asleep for hours, which at this point may tend to veer toward unconsciousness rather than sleep. She keeps checking her, and is relieved every time she feels Ava’s breath on her cheek and watches the rise and fall of her chest.

Ava has to be okay, because Beatrice has lost so much already. She feels like her whole life has been about loss. An endless cycle of grief, if one can grieve _ things. _ Just in the last few days, she has lost her home, her church, most of her found family, the respect and love she had for her “father”, and almost her own life several times as well. But her faith, somehow she still has that.

She chances a glance at Ava before turning to look out the window. She knows why she still has her faith. It was always the one thing that never left her. Being different isolated her, it made her feel unworthy or unclean. Her family certainly validated all those negative thoughts. But then Ava told her not to hide parts of herself. Ava called her  _ beautiful.  _ And maybe she has lost a lot of things in her life, and she plans to take the time to grief all the recent losses, but she makes herself think about the things she still has. The things she gained that have made the losses more tolerable, and almost worth it.

The sisters she still has--Lilith and Camila, they make her feel like she belongs. That she isn’t alone anymore. And Mary. Mary makes her feel safe and seen. And these girls, her family, they are the best part of the OCS anyway. And then there’s Ava. Who annoys her and frustrates her and overwhelms her. But who already, somehow, feels like home. When Beatrice really allows herself to think about Ava, she knows why she hasn’t lost her faith at all. How Ava’s presence in her life is proof that God exists, and it makes her feel stronger and weaker all at once. 

“You’re here?” Ava’s quiet and strained voice pierces her thoughts. 

She quickly turns toward her only to hesitate when she notices Camila sitting in the chair she had forsaken. When did she get here?

“She hasn’t left your side since we got here.” Camila tells Ava cheerfully, which makes Beatrice groan inwardly.

Ava’s gaze falls on Beatrice. “Aww, you really do care.”

Beatrice rolls her eyes, with some effort, to appear nonchalant and unaffected. “I promised you I would. And I keep my promises.”

Ava tries to sit up but winces at the attempt. “Yeah, nuns and their vows. I get it.” She falls back down on the bed with a huff. “Why have I not healed yet? How long have I been asleep?”

Beatrice approaches Ava’s bed and sits on the edge, fighting herself about whether or not to reach out and grab Ava’s hand. She wants to touch her so badly, to confirm to herself that Ava is okay. Alive. But touch has been a foreign concept for so long, and touching Ava has always been dangerous. Because it leads to her wanting more, and she doesn’t understand what that means yet. More of what? 

She jumps when she feels Ava’s hand grab hers. Their eyes meet and Ava smiles at her.

“I’m alive. Barely, it seems. But we did it. We survived. Did we win? Is Adriel gone?” Ava rambles like she always does and it comforts Beatrice in ways that it hadn’t before.

“We did survive. We won the battle. But not the war. Adriel is alive. Or we assume he still is. But we don’t know where he or Father Vincent have disappeared to.”

“I still can’t believe fucking Father Vincent was the big baddie all along.” Ava growls.

“If you’re referring to him betraying us, yeah, none of us saw it coming. That’s why it’s called a betrayal.” Camila says from the chair. “And that’s why it hurts so bad. Mary is...in a mood, as you would say. She claimed dibs on killing him. But really, Lilith may fight her for that honor.”

“What about the innocents? Did we get all the demons out of them?” Ava asks after a moment of contemplation. 

“We?” Camila’s face brightens. “We didn’t get a chance. You went all...Warrior Nun and somehow...we don’t even understand, but you like...zapped the demons back to Hell in one shot. I think that’s what made Adriel and Father Vincent flee.”

“Zapped them?” Ava tries to sit up again and seems to think better of it before relaxing back on the bed. “Must have taken everything I had.”

“And then some.” Beatrice adds sternly. 

When Ava collapsed unconsciously on the battlefield, Beatrice nearly lost it. It was a good thing Adriel and Father Vincent were gone, because she was ready to unleash Hell on them. Or, rather, Heaven. 

“Awww, you were worried about me.” Ava teases as she squeezes her hand softly.

The words and the sensation of Ava’s hand in hers is enough to keep Beatrice from retorting with indignation. Because really, how could she deny it? Why should she at this point?

“We all were.” She says instead.

“But, Beatrice, you…” 

Beatrice silences Camila with a glare and the other girl collapses in her seat with defeat. Beatrice instantly feels guilty about hurting Camila’s feelings. It is akin to kicking a puppy. No one wants to do that. 

“Look who’s back to the land of the living.” Mary comments from the doorway. “We secured the area, we should be safe for as long as we need to stay here. I think we should still have a schedule for guard duty, just in case.”

“And where are we exactly?” Ava asks.

“We took a page out of the Ava Silva handbook, and are illegally squatting at some rich person’s vacation home.” Lilith answers from beside Mary.

Ava smiles. “Right on! See, I have good ideas sometimes.”

Lilith rolls her eyes and shakes her head with exasperation. But before walking away, she pauses, “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“Me too.” Ava’s grin widens. “You like me.” She turns to Beatrice. “She pretends she hates me, but she really finds me charming.”

Lilith walks away mumbling words not befitting a nun. Mary laughs from her place at the door. 

“You really know how to test people’s patience, don’t you?” Mary says as she fondly shakes her head. “You’re lucky you can put your money where your mouth is and found a way to make yourself useful.”

“Is that your way of complimenting me for my badassery? Because it really could use some work.” Ava tells her happily.

Mary stares at her momentarily and walks away without another word.

“You don’t know how to not say every little thing that crosses your mind, do you?” Beatrice wonders.

“That’s not true. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about you lately that I’ve kept to myself.” Ava’s eyes widen. “That last part was supposed to stay in my head.”

Beatrice swallows loudly as she drops Ava’s hand and stands from the bed. She tries to control her thoughts, her blushing, and her breathing. She thinks she only is able to get one under control, however, which one it is could be debated.

“I like that about you, actually.” Camila chimes in cheerfully. “You say what you mean, and even though you haven’t taken your vows and don’t even believe in our God...you are sincere. And honorable. And kind. Selfish sometimes, but none of us is perfect. And...I like it. I like you. And so do they, even if they never admit it.”

Even though Beatrice agrees with Camila’s words and assessment of Ava--she is also jealous that those words came from Camila and not herself. She wishes she had better words to say to Ava sometimes. But she finds that she has trouble staying coherent around her, which is annoying and inconvenient. But she figures it’s a good thing that one of them is able to show some prudence, because Lord knows it will never be Ava.

“Thanks, Camila.” Ava’s words sound genuine, and almost embarrassed. “I think you’re pretty awesome, too.”

“Thank you!” Camila beams happily before she bounces up from her chair. “I’m going to find Mary and we’re going to cook some lunch. You need to eat!”

She leaves the room in a flurry and Beatrice takes several slow breaths to calm herself. Idly, she wonders why Ava finally chose to remain silent, because Beatrice doesn’t have the words to break the tension in the room. Slowly, she raises her eyes toward Ava only to find Ava already staring at her.

“Camila was wrong, you know.” Ava tells her as they maintain eye contact.

“No she wasn’t. You are a good person, Ava. One of the best.” 

Ava shakes her head minutely. “She said no one was perfect...but you are.”

Beatrice stops breathing for a moment and tears her eyes away from Ava’s, turning her back on her. “No, I’m not.”

“You are to me.” Ava admits quietly, barely above a whisper. 

But the echo, the implication, of the words reverberates deep within her soul. Beatrice turns back towards Ava, who smiles at her more shyly than she had ever seen and Beatrice can’t help smiling back.

“Thank you for keeping your promise. I don’t know what I would have done if I had woken up here, alone.” Ava admits vulnerably.

“I told you, you’re not alone anymore. You have us now.” Beatrice’s smile turns wicked. “Besides, Camila was here, too. You wouldn’t have been alone, regardless.”

Ava doesn’t respond. And for the first time ever, Beatrice actually wishes Ava would say what exactly was on her mind rather than deciding to keep the thought to herself. When the silence stretches too long to be bearable, Beatrice forces herself to speak.

“There’s some clothes we set out for you, on the dresser behind me. I’ll let you get changed, and then you can join us for lunch.” She waits for Ava to nod in acknowledgement before she walks out of the room. 

And only then, does she allow herself to breathe properly again. Ava Silva would surely be the death of her. And if she were being honest with herself, which she is, she knows that the thought doesn’t scare her nearly as much as it should have.


	2. Chapter 2

Things _shift_ over the next few days. That’s the best word Beatrice can think to describe it. Ava seems off. She threw herself into her training, which would normally have been a good thing; and under any other circumstance, Beatrice would be happy. But Ava also seems quieter. She doesn’t ramble like Beatrice had gotten used to her doing. And she can’t remember the last time she saw Ava smile at her. Which is another reason Beatrice is unhappy with the changes in Ava; because she seems to be avoiding her. All it seems like Ava has time for now is training or eating or sleeping. And none of those options have given the two of them much time to talk, especially when Ava eats as quickly as possible and then excuses herself to lay down or go for a walk. _Alone_ is also implied. Or maybe Beatrice is reading too much into it. They are in the middle of a war after all.

Currently, Ava was sparring with Lilith and the two were going at it so hard they were already drawing blood.

“Is it weird to say that I miss the old Ava, when we haven’t even known her that long?” Camila sighs from beside Beatrice.

Beatrice nods. “I know what you mean. I was just thinking the same thing.”

“It’s just, we already have Lilith and Mary. And I love them, but their intensity can be...too much. I liked that Ava was different. She made it seem like no matter what we were up against, it was okay to still let ourselves be happy. No one else does that. It’s like, just because we took our vows or something, we were supposed to give up all our own thoughts, and happiness, and desires.”

Beatrice raises an eyebrow. “That is actually what taking the vows was supposed to be. Devoting our lives to God, and to the cause.”

Camila rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“I think I do. Lately, our duty has made us forget why we took our vows to begin with. And with recent events, it makes us question if we have been fighting for the right side or going about it the right way. And maybe having purpose and faith doesn’t mean we don’t get to think for ourselves and question things. Questioning rather than blindly following might have saved us the trouble of following Father Vincent and then getting betrayed by him.”

Camila nods. “Ava questions _everything_ . But I think it’s good. And she reminds me that even though we are at war and things are serious...they don’t always have to be _serious._ Like, we can still have fun and laugh about things. Because otherwise, what are we fighting for? What kind of life is it that we are trying to preserve?” Camila frowns. “Well, she did do that. Now she’s just as serious as Lilith. And between you and me, that’s terrifying.”

Lilith appears next to them, pinching her nose to try to stop the bleeding. “What’s terrifying?”

“Are you okay?!” Camila rushes to her, but Lilith raises her hand to halt her from coming any closer.

“I’m fine.”

Beatrice watches as Mary and Ava are sparring now.

“She’s getting better. A lot better.” Lilith comments when she notices where Beatrice’s attention has been drawn. “She has more power and is able to control it. And she recharges faster now, too. She’s down to under five minutes. I think if we keep trying, we can get it to under two.”

Beatrice cuts her eyes away from the sparring match, and settles them on Lilith. She notices how Lilith looks almost proud of Ava, which she decides against pointing out. She values her own life enough to not risk Lilith’s wrath.

“Besides her improvements in combat, have you noticed anything else...different about Ava?” She questions.

Lilith shrugs. “If you’re talking about her lack of commentary these days, yes, I noticed. It’s been a tremendous improvement.”

Beatrice frowns. Not just at the words, but at the realization that even Lilith noticed the change in Ava. Just like Camila did. Which means that it isn’t all in her own head.

“I don’t think it’s an improvement. And neither does Beatrice.” Camila argues.

Lilith laughs. “Of course Beatrice doesn’t think it’s an improvement. Don’t tell me you were charmed by her incessant rambling as well, Camila.”

Camila blushes. “I thought it was refreshing. And I miss it.”

Lilith nods thoughtfully, but says nothing.

“Don’t you think she might be over doing it? All she does is fight, eat and sleep. And sometimes she forgets to eat because she falls asleep at the dinner table.” Beatrice counters.

“That’s all any of us have ever done. Fight. Eat. Sleep. And pray. I suppose we can work that into the schedule for her, but I don’t think she’ll be too up for it.” Lilith replies.

Beatrice studies her. “Was that...are you making jokes now?”

Lilith’s eyes narrow. “Shut up.”

Beatrice can’t help the small smile that reveals itself on her face. It feels like a small victory. Camila beams from beside her as she happily bounces on her toes.

“See, she rubbed off on you, too.”

“Hey, guys.” Ava says as she and Mary approach them. 

Ava grabs her bottle of water and chugs it as Beatrice watches her in fascination. Ava is breathing hard and dripping sweat, but she’s not bleeding as far as Beatrice can see. She either already healed, or she won the sparring match.

Beatrice decides to test her theory about whether or not Ava is specifically avoiding her. 

“My turn now, right?” She asks hopefully. 

“Nah, I’m tired. I’m going to lay down for awhile.” Ava says as she studies her carefully. Then she hastily adds, “Rain check?”

She doesn’t wait for Beatrice’s answer before she walks away and it makes her heart sink into her gut. She jumps when she feels someone’s hand on her shoulder.

“She’s going through a lot, it’s not just you.” Mary tells her.

“You noticed.” Beatrice breathes out. Not sure she knows what she’s asking exactly.

“That you’re worried? Or that Ava is struggling with her own demons?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Look, I know what it looks like for someone to struggle with the whole halo bearer, savior complex thing, but Shannon...she didn’t...something else is haunting Ava, and I think it has something to do with what happened in the tomb.” Mary tells them all seriously. Then looks directly at Beatrice again. “Has she said anything at all about it? I can’t get her to talk.”

Beatrice shakes her head. “I think she’s avoiding me. And if she isn’t talking to any of you either...that means she’s carrying it all alone.”

Camila looks sadder than Beatrice has ever seen her. She wants to comfort her, but she doesn’t know how. She feels the same way as Camila apparently does.

Lilith rolls her eyes and huffs exaggeratedly. “Fine, I’m concerned about her, too. But the best thing we can do for Ava right now is to train her adequately so that when the next battle against Adriel comes, she won’t die on us. Okay? And she is stronger than I’ve ever seen anyone, myself included. I really think we have a chance to win this.”

Beatrice maintains eye contact with her and can tell that she means every word. And she is grateful for it. 

“I appreciate that you all are willing to train her and challenge her. And I do see vast improvements. But just like with the walking through the tomb thing, if her fears control her...it won’t matter how strong she is.” She tells them sadly and realizes what she has to do. “You keep working on training her body. I’ll find a way to train her mind.”

Mary nods. “If anyone can get through her, it’s you. Gotta have faith.”

“That’s all I really have right now.” Beatrice admits.

“Not true. You also have us.” Camila smiles at her. “And so does Ava. Let her know that.”

Beatrice nods. “I will.”

  
  


xxxxx

Beatrice has been sitting in the chair beside Ava’s bed for an hour and a half, waiting for her to wake up. She knows it probably borders on creepy, but she also doesn’t want to give Ava any more opportunities to avoid her if she can help it. And besides, she promised Ava that she would never be alone. So if Ava feels that way, then she has failed to keep her promise and needs to remedy that as soon as possible.

She’s been biding her time reading through the journal of the other Warrior Nuns. They have all had fantastic lives and were empowering and inspiring. But also, they all lived very short lives. And that is not something she was willing to have Ava follow in their footsteps with. Ava’s light was the brightest she had ever seen, she didn’t want it to burn out too quickly. Or at all, if she was being honest. Which she always was.

“You’re here again.” Ava says with her eyes still closed.

“How did you know that I wasn’t Lilith or someone else?” Beatrice teases, hoping Ava will respond in kind.

“Because I’m still alive?” Ava smiles as she opens her eyes and looks at Beatrice. “Also, because you have this presence that...calms me. Sometimes, other times it’s overwhelming.” Ava swallows and looks away. 

Beatrice can see that she already closed herself off again. She got _her_ Ava for a whole minute and a half before she shut down and turned into someone she didn’t recognize.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Beatrice ventures shyly.

Ava’s eyes snap to hers. “About what?”

“Anything, really. Why you suddenly grew a filter and decided to censor yourself for one. I’m not the only one who’s noticed.”

“You’re probably the only one who sees it as a bad thing though.” Ava admits.

“What do you mean?”

“Lilith and Mary can barely stand me even on the best day. And even Camila said I could be selfish. And Camila can’t even bring herself to curse Father Vincent. I’m...I’m trying to be better. More manageable. Less annoying.”

“Less yourself?”

“See! You even think I’m annoying.”

“That is not at all what I said. Or what I meant.”

Ava avoids her gaze and goes silent again. She remembers how vulnerable and small Ava got when she thought Beatrice was mad at her after she read the story about Sister Melanie. She thinks she understands now. Ava’s fear runs deep. But her pain is only now being acknowledged.

“Camila was complimenting you. Somehow, you forgot all the other great things she said about you and chose to dwell on the one thing that you think makes you...what, unlikable?”

Ava still doesn’t respond.

“They’re all worried about you. Even Lilith.”

“I doubt that.”

“When have I ever lied to you?” Beatrice asks firmly.

Ava’s eyes snap to hers again, searching. “Never.”

“Then why would I start now?”

Ava sighs. She sits up in bed, moves her feet around and rests them on the floor. She is facing away from Beatrice, as if she needs the extra barrier between them to get her words out.

“I was just worried...I never had a family before. Not since I was little. And..the nun who took care of me...she…”

She stops talking for several minutes, and Beatrice patiently waits. She would wait a lifetime for her. She feels like she already has.

“I told you before, that I didn’t kill myself. And I didn’t. She...the nun…”

Beatrice’s eyes widen at the realization of Ava’s words. She thought as much, even assumed so. But to hear the actual words from Ava’s mouths breaks her heart.

“Anyway, she told me it was for my own good. That she was doing me a favor. That I would have been a burden otherwise. And...I’m trying really hard not to be a burden.”

Beatrice gets out of her chair and kneels in front of Ava. She holds Ava’s trembling hands in her own, and looks up at the girl who has come to mean the world to her. She understands now. Ava’s easy acceptance of her makes sense. They were kindred souls meant to find each other. Ava understands what it means to be terrified of not fitting in, of not having value. 

“You are not a burden, Ava. You never could be.”

“I’m trying to make myself useful. I know I still have work to do, but…”

“No. Listen to me. Halo Bearer or not, you are not useless. You matter. To all of us. To _me_.”

Ava’s eyes swell up in tears. “I just, I’m trying so hard to be less...me. So that I don’t get voted off the island.”

Beatrice is confused by the words for a moment, but believes she understands what Ava is trying to say. “Stop trying to be something that you’re not. We got as far as we have, _because_ of who you are. Not because of who you think you’re supposed to be.”

“But…”

“Ava.” Beatrice growls fiercely. “I want you to be yourself. Because who you are is beautiful.”

She knew the significance of throwing Ava’s words back at her. But there was nothing more sincere she could say in that moment than those same words. She knew what they meant to her and she hopes they mean the same to Ava.

Ava’s whole body trembles at the words and then she breaks down in tears. Beatrice rushes to hold her in her arms and Ava collapses into her as she sobs in anguish of something Beatrice can never fully comprehend.

“I just...I’m so sick of being alone and I kind of got used to you guys. And I...I don’t want to lose you.” Ava whimpers.

“You won’t. Ever.”

“You can’t promise that. Not really.” 

“Are you calling me a liar?”

She feels Ava burrow deeper into her and feels her wet, hot tears fall on her collarbone. It makes her shiver. Ava attempts to pull away, but Beatrice holds her in place. 

“Now, tell me why you’ve been avoiding me.” Beatrice states after they sit in a comfortable silence for who knows how long. 

She feels Ava stiffen immediately and Beatrice’s stomach coils in dread. This is where Ava tells her that she isn’t interested in her like that. That they’re just friends. That liking girls really is a sin. 

“I didn’t want to make you any more uncomfortable than I already had.” Ava tells her quietly.

She detaches herself from Beatrice and stands up. She wipes at her face with her hands and then brushes the wetness on her jeans.

“When did you make me uncomfortable?” Beatrice wonders.

Other than every single moment. But not at all for the reasons Ava must have assumed.

“When I flirted with you. I get it, you know. You don’t have to let me down easy or anything. I’ve been trying to give you space. I promise I won’t cross that line again. I never want to be responsible for your discomfort. I may be selfish a lot of the time, but I understand consent. And I know it’s important. And I know how much your faith means to you, and your vows. I would never…” 

She pauses to take a breath and Beatrice takes that time to interrupt her.

“You’ve been avoiding me because you thought you made me uncomfortable when you called me perfect?” She asks, because she needs to understand. 

“Well, yeah. You got all...weird after. So…”

“And you are worried that I’m questioning my faith because of my sexuality?” Beatrice needs confirmation.

“Yes?” This time Ava seems unsure, like maybe she is being set up for some kind of trap.

“Ava? What is your sexuality? I didn’t realize...I thought there had been a boy…” 

“I honestly don’t know. I’m still trying to figure myself out. I used to be a quadriplegic orphan. That’s all I knew for most of my life. But then, well, I’m not really either of those things anymore. Not since I found you.” She coughs. “You all. You and the others. You’re my family now. And I don’t want to screw it up. So, I don’t really know who I am yet. But I do know that I want to make you all proud.”

And that is enough for Beatrice. The possibility. The likelihood. The hope. But also, she understood what it meant to try to find yourself. To be seen as worthy. Enough.

“We’re already proud.” Beatrice whispers sincerely and Ava beams her brightest smile at her. “And just so you know, I’m not questioning my faith. I don’t believe that my sexuality and my faith are mutually exclusive. I know who I am. Or I’m getting a better understanding of it. I know I like girls. I know that I think I’m also asexual. And I know that somehow, my faith is stronger than it ever has been. I take my vows very seriously. But also...God is Love. And I don’t believe that love in any capacity is ever wrong.”

Ava nods and grabs the journal off the floor beside the chair where Beatrice left it. “You’ve been reading?” She hands the book to Beatrice and sits on the bed beside her. “So, have you found any more Warrior Nuns who were Lesbisch?”

Beatrice laughs because her heart finally feels full again. “As a matter of fact…” She turns a few pages from where she left off. “Would you like me to read it to you? This one is in Spanish.”

“Ooh la la.” Ava bats her eyes playfully and Beatrice can’t help blushing.

They make themselves comfortable on the bed, and Ava rests her head on Beatrice’s shoulder as she reads to her.


	3. Chapter 3

Beatrice doesn’t know how long she sat there with Ava asleep in her arms. It was long enough for her left arm to go numb, but she stubbornly refuses to move because Ava looks peaceful. She fights against her treacherous fingers that want to trace the soft smile that rests on Ava’s slightly parted lips. And she wonders, not for the first time, what it might be like to kiss her. 

“I made dinner.” Mary whispers softly from the doorway. “We can wait, if you want us all to eat together.”

Beatrice glaces at Ava and then settles her gaze on Mary. “If it’s dinner time, maybe we should just wake her up.”

Mary nods in Ava’s direction. “How’d the talk go? Seems like she’s not avoiding you any more.”

Beatrice feels her face flush and hates how her body responds against her own wishes so often lately. “Turns out she was trying to change herself because she thought who she was wasn’t good enough for us.”

“The fuck?” Mary growls as she walks further into the room. “Really?”

Beatrice only nods.

“You set her straight, I assume.” Mary says as she sits in the chair.

Beatrice sucks in a deep breath and bites her bottom lip. “Speaking of straight. Or um, not straight…”

Then she smiles to herself, because she knows Ava would have made a pun out of that sentence and she really should have, too. She regrets not doing so now. But then again, puns were _their_ thing. 

Mary stands up and shakes her head. “Nope. I am not ready for that talk yet.”

She glances at Beatrice who must look as lost and hopeful as she’s actually feeling, because Mary sighs loudly and sits back down. “It’s okay to be gay. You know that right?”

“I do. I’m not. It’s...I’m not seeking absolution if that’s what you think I’m trying to ask. I am good with God and I believe he’s good with me.”

Mary is silent for a moment, and she seems to relax at that. “You’ve already gotten farther than Shannon was able to get. I’m proud of you.”

Beatrice smiles. “Thank you.”

“So if it isn’t about your vows and God and stuff, what do you want to talk about?” Her eyes widen again. “I’m not giving you the sex talk.”

Beatrice coughs, or rather, she chokes on air and the movement makes Ava shift slightly, but the other girl remains blissfully asleep. Beatrice holds her just a little bit tighter and sighs contentedly.

“I don’t want to talk about sex.”

“You want to know if she likes you back?” Mary wonders.

“I’m pretty sure she does.”

Mary frowns. “Then what do you want to talk about?”

“I know she likes the idea of me. And that she is exploring her own sexuality, which is wonderful.”

“But you worry if she’s not really into you the way you want her to be? That she might not really be into girls?”

Beatrice shakes her head. “I can tell...by the way she makes me feel and the way she looks at me like I am everything to her that it isn’t about her experimenting or whatever. But I also don’t want to be put on a pedestal. I want her to _see_ me. As I am.”

“You don’t think she does?”

“I don’t even really know who I am yet? So how can she know me?”

“Do you think you like her for who you want her to be or who she is?”

Beatrice frowns. “Who she is. She is wonderful and beautiful. And so many things I don’t even have the words for yet.”

“But she doesn’t really know who she is yet. How can you really like her for who she is if she is still figuring it all out?”

Beatrice stares at Mary. “I don’t like what you did there.”

Mary smiles. “You wanted to talk to me. You could have had this same talk with Camila if you wanted sunshine and rainbows. But you chose me.”

“That is true.”

“Now, tell me, what is it you are worried she won’t like about you.There’s got to be something you’re scared of her seeing. She already knows you’re a nun. And a sister warrior. What else could you possibly be hiding from her?”

Beatrice glances at Ava and smiles softly. She lets her fingers weave through Ava’s hair absent-mindedly as she forces her attention back on Mary. Ava’s warm weight against her body grounds her. Keeps her in the present.

“She hasn’t taken the vows.” Beatrice starts, then squeezes her eyes shut. “That doesn’t matter to me. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Yes, you do. What is it?”

Beatrice takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. “I’m scared she’ll leave. If we do win this, if she does survive this..I’m scared that when the war is over, she won’t have a reason to stay. She didn’t choose this life the way we all did.”

“She did though. She kept running away, but somewhere along the way, she decided she wanted this. She chose this.”

“I guess.”

“You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known...so I don’t know how you can be so stupid sometimes.” Mary groans.

“Hey, if I wanted someone to insult me about this, I’d have talked to Lilith.”

That makes Mary smile. “Camila was right. I like how Ava has rubbed off on each of us. You can actually be funny if you let yourself be.”

“I wasn’t trying to be funny.”

“I know.” Mary scoots closer and lowers her voice further. Beatrice almost has to lean in to hear her. “All I meant was that if you think that this war is the only thing that is keeping Ava here, then you’re dumber than I thought.”

“I don’t want her to stay just for me. I want her to stay because she wants to.”

“Can’t those two things co-exist?”

“I don’t want her to feel like she owes me anything. That I expect anything.”

“No one could ever believe that you were that selfish. Actually, you could stand to be a little bit selfish sometimes. It’s okay to want something for yourself, B.”

“I know.” Her hand stalls on its trek through Ava’s hair. “I do want things.”

“Then go for it. You deserve to be happy. And so does she.”

Beatrice pulls her hand away from Ava’s tangled locks and rests it on the other girl’s waist. “I’m scared.”

“Of?”

“Of not knowing what to do. Of getting everything I never let myself think about, and not knowing what to do with it.”

“I thought this wasn’t going to be a sex talk.”

“It isn’t.” Beatrice whispers urgently. “I don’t want sex. But...I think...I _know_ I want everything else. A girlfriend. A relationship. Kissing her. Holding her. Loving her.”

“And you’re scared that you won’t be good at it?” Mary questions gently.

“I’m scared that even if I am...that it won’t be enough for her. She deserves everything.”

“I think that is something you’d have to discuss with her...but I’m pretty sure that you are already her everything. If she wants you the way that we all can see that she does, then she will be happy with whatever you are able to give her.”

Beatrice swallows thickly and blinks back the tears that threaten to fall. “Thank you.”

“Hey, thank me by going for it. Okay? Don’t waste time the way that Shannon and I did. We could have had so much more time together if we hadn’t let fear control us.”

“Right.” She tries to sound more certain than she is.

Mary smiles at her genuinely. “Who knew I’d get to play gay Yoda to you two idiots?”

Beatrice’s eyes light up. “I get that reference. Ava showed me a picture of baby Yoda, he’s so cute.”

Mary frowns and groans loudly. Then she stands up and straightens her shoulders and raises her head defiantly. “No. I am not...baby Yoda? Really? Fuck that. I really can’t even.”

She walks out mumbling profanities and it makes Beatrice laugh out loud. The noise startles Ava awake. She bolts up in preparation for an attack. Knife at the ready.

“You...sleep with a knife on hand?” Beatrice asks with concern.

Ava seems to calm when she realizes she is safe. She puts the knife back in her pocket and collapses back into Beatrice and nuzzles her head against the crook of Beatrice’s neck. 

“As comfortable as I am right now, we need to go. Dinner’s ready.” Beatrice tells her quietly.

“Hmmm?” Ava’s breath on Beatrice’s neck makes her shiver. “Five more minutes?”

“Okay. But I can’t promise there will be any more food left.”

Ava groans, and her lips against Beatrice’s collarbone makes her jump away in response. She nearly falls off the bed when she does so, which makes Ava wake up more completely.

“Are you okay? Whatever I just did, I’m sorry.” She apologizes so sincerely that Beatrice feels bad that Ava is blaming herself for her own bad reactions _again_.

“You didn’t do anything. I promise. I was trying to get up...to go eat, and I...I…” She has never lied before so the words get stuck on her tongue.

“You are a horrible liar.”

“I wasn’t trying to...it wasn’t you, okay? I’m the one over-reacting to stupid things.”

“If something makes you feel uncomfortable, it isn’t stupid.” Ava sits up and reaches for her hand before thinking better of it. “I didn’t intend to fall asleep on you. I won’t do it again. Or, I’ll try not to. Because, like I said, it wasn’t intentional. So I won’t be able to always help it in the future either. But I can try. I _will_ try.”

“Ava. I liked it. I think that might have been part of the problem.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widen. “Oh. Okay. Got it. Hands to myself from now on.” 

She even raises her hands as if in surrender.

Beatrice frowns. “I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to. I’m trying to be respectful here. Please let me.”

The plea breaks Beatrice’s heart. Because Ava _is_ respectful. And now she is doubting herself because Beatrice can’t keep her own heart and hormones in check. She wishes she wasn’t a spazz and that she could be the calm and collected person she usually is.

“Come on, let’s go eat.” Ava says into the awkward silence that has infiltrated the room.

Beatrice follows her out of the door. Mary, Lilith and Camila are already at the table, but they have yet to start eating.

“Oh, thank God! Can we finally eat?” Lilith declares as soon as she sees them and doesn’t wait for a response before she digs into her plate of food.

“You didn’t have to wait for us.” Ava says as she sits beside Camila and smiles at her. “But I’m glad you saved us some food, I could eat a horse. If I didn’t believe it was ethically wrong and totally a disgusting thought. That was more a figure of speech. Sort of like, ‘I’m so happy I could shit.’ Which, what does that even mean and why would you have to say it?”

Camila giggles beside her. “I’m so happy you’re back.”

“Back? I was asleep for like three hours tops.”

“She means, the rambling thing. For some reason, she and Beatrice are charmed by it. I, on the other hand, have standards.” Lilith explains from across the table.

Beatrice takes a seat beside her and looks at her sternly. “Lilith. Play nice.”

“It’s fine. I like it actually. It seems almost...normal. Our back and forth. It’d be weird if she was suddenly nice to me.” Ava admits.

Lilith grins with pride. “See. She gets to be incessantly cheerful and overwhelmingly awkward, and I get to be myself as well.”

“And what is that exactly? A bitch?” Mary smirks as she takes a bite out of a piece of chicken. 

“Mary…” Beatrice warns.

“Hey, we’re all just being ourselves here.” Mary teases. “I’m willing to give up my place as the gay disaster. Any takers?”

Lilith laughs out loud. Camila giggles and Ava chokes on her food as she tries to stifle a laugh. Beatrice blushes. Not because they all know that she’s gay. But that she was so obvious about it that they actually called her out on it. Called her _out._ Beatrice giggles herself. When she does, Ava stops trying to fight it and lets herself laugh along with the rest of them.

“So...you all know then, that I like girls?”

“Lesbisch.” Ava grins as she does an adorable little dance in her chair.

Beatrice shares a smile with her, grateful that the awkwardness from earlier seems to have dissipated. “And you’re all okay with it?”

“More than okay. I think it’s awesome!” Camila tells her. “Not that being straight isn’t awesome, or whatever. I just..I think _you’re_ awesome. And if you like girls, then girls are lucky.” Her eyes cut toward Ava and Beatrice prays Ava doesn’t notice.

“Thank you, Camila. How about you, Lilith?”

“You’re still you, Beatrice. Nothing has changed. You’re still my sister.”

Beatrice breathes a sigh of relief as her whole body relaxes.

“What about me? You didn’t ask if I was okay with it?” Ava asks, and all the other girls laugh. “No, I’m serious. I have a whole speech prepared. I thought about it as I was drifting to sleep. Actually, I’ve been meaning to say it for awhile now.”

Mary coughs as she tries to properly swallow her water. “Don’t you think maybe, that’s something you should tell her...in private?”

“What? Why? I’m not ashamed of her and I am proud to say it here.” Ava says as her eyes lock on Beatrice’s. “I think that you are the bravest person I know. And the strongest. And the smartest. And the best, really, because you are also kind. You see the best in people, even when it’s not there. And I wish that you could see yourself the way we all see you, because then you would know that you have value as a person, not because of what you can do, but because of who you are. And I know that you’ve been told that you should be normal or acceptable...but fuck normal. Normal is boring. And acceptable? You are _exceptional._ You weren’t made to fit in, you were made to stand out. To stand proud. Your _flaws_ , they remind me that you are only human...like the rest of us, because otherwise...you’d be this robot. This unattainable _thing._ But you’re not. You’re _you._ ” 

Beatrice doesn’t know when she starts crying. But she jumps when she feels Camila’s hand on hers. 

“She’s right you know. About all of it.”

“Yeah. For the first time ever, her rambling wasn’t an incoherent mess of rubbish.” Lilith confirmed.

She couldn’t bring herself to look at Ava yet, but she did meet Mary’s eyes. And they have ‘ _I told you so’_ written all over in them. And maybe Mary was right, maybe Ava would stay. Maybe she would be fine with what Beatrice was able to offer her. And maybe she was worth the risk in finding out. If she could be as brave as Ava somehow already thought she was, and try. 

“For the record. I like girls, too.” Ava says into the silence.

“Me too!” Camila declares happily. 

“Great. Mary, it looks like your former title for Disaster Gay just got a three way tie.”

Mary laughs and Camila joins in. Ava’s eyes catch Beatrice’s.

‘ _Thank you.’_ Beatrice mouths just for her.

And she smiles softly when a cute blush dusts Ava’s cheeks and she averts her eyes to her plate to start eating. Beatrice decides to do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can blame Taylor Swift's new album for the inspiration to write two chapters in one day! Hope you liked it. 
> 
> And if you still need to scream about it or Taylor, you can follow me on twitter @2BeEnough


	4. Chapter 4

Ava had finished her combat training with Mary and Lilith, and was currently sitting on the couch with her eyes closed.

“She’s not dead, is she? She hasn’t moved from that spot in an hour.” Camila whisper-yells to Beatrice.

“She can also hear you.” Ava says with her eyes closed.

“I was just worried about you.” Camila admits with a blush.

“And I appreciate that. I do.” Ava sits up and stretches, and Beatrice’s eyes betray her as she stares at the small strip of skin revealed when Ava’s shirt rides up at the movement.

She jumps when she feels Camila elbow her and realizes she got caught. But at least she was caught by Camila and not Ava. She averts her eyes and lets herself smile.

“I don’t know why we have to dedicate so much time on the mind stuff. Shouldn’t we be focusing more on the combat aspect.” Ava says when she’s done stretching, and she’s looking right at Beatrice.

“The mind stuff is part of combat. And it’s just as important. Remember the wall thing?” Beatrice tells her.

“How could I forget?”

“You have to have a strong mind and strong body.” When Beatrice says the words, she chastises herself for improperly thinking about Ava’s mind and body.

Ava frowns. “I’m not smart like you guys. My mind is never going to get where you think it should.”

Beatrice frowns as well. “I think you’re really smart, Ava. We just know different things.”

“Pretty sure that pop culture references and Taylor Swift lyrics aren’t going to win any battles.”

Camila chuckles. “I would love to see that though. Ooh, we should do karaoke when this is all over with. I’ve never done it and always wanted to.”

“I don’t sing.” Ava deadpans, then smiles. “So that is a brilliant idea.”

Beatrice rolls her eyes fondly. “What I think we should focus on is tapping into your feelings. Like Sister Melanie described. Past fear and hatred. Beyond the pain.

“I don’t...can we  _ not  _ do that instead?” Ava asks with vulnerability akin to a newborn kitten.

“If you can control your emotions...you can enhance and better control your power.” Beatrice tells her as she sits beside her. “You already told me what you were most scared of...you know that I won’t leave you.”

Camila sits on the other side of Ava. “You couldn’t get rid of us if you tried.”

“But I did. Try.” Ava admits softly. She sounds more than scared. She sounds ashamed. “In the tomb. I…”

She trails off and just lets the words hang in the air. Stifled. Full of dread.

“What happened in the tomb, Ava?” Beatrice asks softly as she rubs up and down Ava’s back, hoping it provides some semblance of comfort. “You can tell us...if you’re ready. We won’t judge you.”

Ava is silent for so long that Beatrice thinks she won’t speak. But then when the words come out, they are barely audible.

“I was going to let him take it. The Halo. When I thought he was good. I was going to just give it up. Without a goodbye or without explaining myself. I was just going to...I knew it would probably mean I’d die. But it seemed worth it, you know. My life for all of yours. My life in exchange for every sister yet to come. I wanted my life to have been worth it. And so...I was just going to let it all go. I wasn’t even going to fight for all of you. So please...stop saying that you’re here for me and that you won’t leave. Because given the choice...I almost left you anyway.”

Beatrice doesn’t know how to process that. The reality that she almost lost Ava and didn’t even know it. Exactly how close she had come to losing her entire world. It terrifies her. But mostly, it angers her. Ava’s stupidly unselfish just when she needs her to be the most selfish. 

“Say something, please.” Ava begs in that way Beatrice swears tears her heart to shreds.

“You were going to die...for us?” Camila saves Beatrice from speaking.

“The whole war has been about you guys winning. Whatever it takes.” Ava says.

“Not whatever it takes. Not at the cost of your life.” Beatrice nearly yells, but controls her voice enough that it doesn’t carry all of the anger she truly feels.

“But it’s just one life. In the grand scheme of things…”

“Just  _ one  _ life? It’s  _ your  _ life, Ava. How can you think that we would have been okay with that?” Beatrice is the one pleading now.

“I didn’t...I wasn’t...thinking.” Ava admits shyly.

“Of course you weren’t.” Beatrice snaps and feels Ava jerk away as if she was slapped.

“You’re mad at me.” Ava’s voice cracks.

Beatrice swallows the bile that threatens to come up. She hates that Ava is scared of her. That Ava really thinks Beatrice could ever be mad at her. Yes, she  _ is _ angry. But not at Ava. Never at Ava. She’s angry at the whole situation. She’s angry that evil exists at all. And death. She’s angry that she has so many things she wants to tell Ava, and that she isn’t brave enough to say any of it. She’s angry because she feels so much. More than she has ever felt. And yet, it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Not when it’s about something so important. Not when it’s about love, and the possibility of it.

“It’s just...we don’t want you to think that your life is any less valuable than any of ours. If it had been me or Beatrice in there...would you have wanted us to decide on our own that we were going to die for you?” Camila prods gently.

“Well, no. But…”

“Then don’t ever think you’re dispensable either.” Camila tells her.

“Okay. I won’t.” Ava still doesn’t relax. “It’s just. The plan had been to destroy the bones and that meant that the Halo might also be destroyed. How did you all expect the Halo to be destroyed without me going with it? You knew I wanted to stop everything. That included the Warrior Nun line.”

“Honestly? Getting  _ to  _ the bones had been our biggest concern. I figured we’d have had time for the rest later.” Beatrice admits. “Because my plan had never been for you to die, Ava. Even if it meant giving up the Halo, we would have still found a way to make sure you came out of it all alive.” Beatrice tempers her tone when she adds, “Honestly, you really can be selfish sometimes.”

“That was me  _ not  _ being selfish. I was trying to be noble, like you.” Ava tells her as her own temper starts to flair. “Don’t you dare tell me that had the roles been reversed, you wouldn’t have considered it if it meant saving me.”

“That isn’t the point!” Beatrice demands.

“Then what is the point?” Ava’s voice raises to match Beatrice’s.

“The point is that I finally just got you. I can’t lose you already.” Beatrice’s rage and anger vanishes instantly, and she shrinks into herself in fear of her honesty. Of what her words really mean for both of them. 

Ava relaxes as well, and rests her hand on Beatrice’s thigh. “Hey, okay. I get it. Consider me warned. I will not ever be unselfish again. I will be the most selfish, self-serving, self-obsessed person you ever had the pleasure to know. And when the other sisters complain, I will tell them it’s your fault.” She turns toward Camila conspiratorially. “You heard her say it, right? I can’t go against her wishes.”

Camila smiles, though Beatrice can tell it’s forced. She knows the thought of losing Ava scares Camila as well.

“I heard it.” Camila agrees anyway.

“I’m serious, Ava. You’re not alone anymore, you can’t make decisions like that without thinking about the rest of us. And don’t say that you  _ were  _ thinking about us, because there is no way you would think we would be okay with you being dead.” Beatrice tells her.

“I...you’re right. I…” Ava collapses against the back of the couch. “I’m not used to having people caring about what happens to me. And...part of me still thought that maybe...I was still just the Warrior Nun to you. That it was my duty to give up my life in this war of yours.”

“Ok. I was wrong. You _ are  _ stupid.” Beatrice tells her.

“What Beatrice  _ means _ to say, is that you’re wrong. You’re not just some tool to help us win this war. You’re our sister. Vows or not. Well, not sister...like, we’re related. Because, given how Beatrice…”

“Okay! I think she gets what I meant, Camila. And that I don’t actually think she’s stupid.” Beatrice interrupts and then looks at Ava and smiles. “You’re just a little oblivious sometimes. But we can work on that.”

Ava rolls her eyes. “Right. Mind training. Sounds like  _ so  _ much fun.”

“I think maybe rather than tapping into your pain and fears for today...we could try to work on your self-esteem.” Beatrice tells her. “You’re always telling me how amazing you think I am, but when we tell you the same...you don’t seem to believe us.”

“Yeah, why is that?” Camila wonders sadly.

“Probably because the last person I trusted and who I thought actually cared about me...murdered me?” Ava ventures. “I’d say that can do a lot to damage someone’s self-esteem.”

Camila looks horrified. “What?!”

“I was a quadriplegic orphan and a nun took care of me for the last decade or more. And she murdered me, so I wouldn’t phase out of the system. She said she was doing me a kindness.”

Camila nearly bursts into tears as she throws herself on Ava. “That explains so much actually.”

Ava snorts at that. “I really think it does.”

“But, she was wrong. Not just the killing you thing...but thinking that the life you had wasn’t worth living. No one should get to make that decision for you.” Camila tells her.

Beatrice watches Ava’s reactions closely and notices the gratitude that washes over her face. It looks like she believes Camila. She wonders why Ava seems to believe Camila, and even Mary and Lilith, but she doesn’t always seem to believe Beatrice when she compliments her.

“From now on, every day, I am going to say nice things to you.” Camila adds.

“You already do.”

“But now, you are going to believe them.” Camila amends. “And you are going to not reply with a joke or belittle yourself. You’re just going to have to take it.”

“I...don’t know if I can do that.”

“You can do anything. I believe in you.”

Ava opens her mouth to argue, then she glances at Beatrice and back at Camila. “Was that a test?”

“It was! And you passed.” Camila tells her happily. “I’m going to go write some words of affirmation so I can have a whole list ready for you tomorrow.”

She is off the couch before Ava can tell her that it isn’t necessary.

“Let her have this. She needs to feel useful just like the rest of us.” Beatrice tells Ava.

Ava must suddenly notice how close they are, because she not so subtly moves away, putting a few extra inches of space between them.

“Wouldn’t want to deprive her of her usefulness.” Ava comments awkwardly.

Beatrice smiles. “You like it.”

“I kind of do. Is that weird? I’m not used to having someone so unabashedly on my side.”

Beatrice’s heart breaks at that. “I’ve always been on your side, Ava. More so than anyone.”

“It feels different with you. You’re nice to everyone.”

“Camila’s nicer than I am.”

Ava grins. “True.” Then she frowns. “Why are you trying to make me insult you?”

“Why are you trying to deny that I’ve been the one who most believes in you?”

Ava swallows harshly and averts her gaze.

“Ava? What is it?”

“You believe in  _ God,  _ Beatrice.”

“Yes, I thought we already established this.”

“God. The just and powerful and perfect. The one who guides you and loves you unconditionally. The one who created all things. Who created  _ You. _ And I just...how can you believe in someone like that  _ and  _ someone like me?”

Beatrice closed the gap between them and took Ava’s hands in her own. “Because.  _ My _ God doesn’t make mistakes. And  _ My  _ God made you in His image. And you are beautiful and powerful and kind and better than you think and more perfect than you know. I believe in you  _ because  _ I believe in God. And I believe in His will for us and our cause, and I know that you have the Halo not because of some fluke accident, but because you are worthy and it was His plan. But more than that, I believe that the Halo found you because we needed someone like you to have a chance at winning this war. I needed you.”

Ava collapses into her and lets herself sob against Beatrice’s shoulder. Their position feels familiar now, and yet, it still overwhelms her. Instead of pulling away, she tugs Ava further into her and tightens her arms around her and lets Ava weep.

Eventually, Ava’s sobs turn into mere whimpers. And before Beatrice is ready for it, Ava pulls away. She lets her. 

“So...you’re not mad at me?” Ava whispers with terror and vulnerability in her eyes with equal measure.

“I could never be mad at you, Ava.” Beatrice tells her honestly.

Ava looks ready to argue but stops herself, because she knows Beatrice doesn’t lie. At least, ever since she stopped lying to herself that is.

“So...the yelling?” Ava ventures instead.

Beatrice rolls her eyes. “You can be the most infuriating person I’ve ever known.”

“Infuriating is just another word for angry.” Ava smirks and taps her own temple. “See, I know stuff.”

Beatrice laughs at that. “You do. Look, I know that I didn’t handle your confession very well. It’s just...the thought of losing you. It terrifies me.”

Beatrice is proud of her bravery. It might not be the entire truth and all that she feels; but it is some of it, and admitting even that much of it out loud is horrifying.

“For the record, I was just as terrified. Trapped in there with someone we assumed was going to be a dead angel...instead, he’s a living devil. I just...when I figured it out...when he was going to try to rip the Halo out of me, I realized I wanted to fight. I did want to live. So...I just, I needed to tell you that as well.” Ava tells her as she anxiously plays with her own fingers.

Beatrice reaches over and places her hand on Ava’s, to still them. But also, to tether herself to this girl. Because, somehow, Beatrice was able to go through her entire life without the simplicity of touch. Of true human connection. And now that she knows what it feels like, it’s like she can’t get enough. She craves it.

“Thank you for telling me.” She whispers back. 

“I was terrified in there. With him. Alone. I thought I was going to get murdered again. I actually have nightmares about it.”

Beatrice squeezes Ava’s hands in comfort.

“But...you saved me. Like you always do.” Ava turns one of her hands over and threads her fingers through Beatrices. “And I am grateful. I am. But because of me...Adriel’s out there in the world and who knows how many innocent people will die because of me.”

“Not because of you. He is the one who will kill them. He is the evil one. You’re not responsible for that. Father Vincent is, because we trusted him and he set us up.”

Ava swallows audibly. “Yeah.”

Beatrice turns more fully toward Ava. She uses her free hand to brush her fingertips underneath Ava’s chin and forces her to look at her. They stare at each other for a moment. 

“We’ll stop them both, okay. Don’t think about how many we might lose...think about how many we can save.” Beatrice tells her softly.

She feels the movement as Ava swallows and her eyes fall briefly to Ava’s open mouth. She abruptly lets her hand fall, and her eyes travel to their interlocked fingers. Their entwined hands look so natural there, together. So perfect.

“So..,you’re going to teach me how to channel my emotions into power. That’s the whole mind-force experiment, yeah?”

Beatrice clears her throat and looks back up at Ava. “Mind-force? I guess. You think Sister Melanie was a badass...wait until you write your journal entry.”

Ava laughs out loud at that. “Pretty sure mine would be more of an embarrassing, rambling diary entry that looks like it came from a lovesick middle schooler.”

Beatrice smiles at that. “Either way, I can’t wait to read it.”

“Nope. Not going to happen. I think I’m going to learn  Trigedasleng.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Good! I found a language you can’t translate.” Ava smirks.

“Challenge accepted.” Beatrice grins back.

  
  


Xxxxxx

After a few hours of mindful meditation with Ava (that was actually only twenty minutes of productively and one hour and forty minutes of amusing commentary and lots of awkward poking and prodding), dinner had gone smoothly and Beatrice is beyond exhausted. She can’t imagine how Ava is feeling, because she also had several hours of combat training under her belt.

The others retired to their rooms moments ago and Ava looks like she’s about to fall asleep on the couch.

“It’s bedtime, Ava. We have another long day planned tomorrow.” Beatrice says as she taps her shoulder and tries to get her attention.

“Can’t I just sleep here? It’s so comfy.” Ava pouts as she attempts to lay on the couch.

“You need a good night’s sleep. That means, in a bed.”

“I’ve slept in worse places before.” Ava tells her sadly. “Besides, I don’t like the dark anymore.”

Beatrice feels for her. After hearing about the tomb, it’s no wonder Ava’s been off for days. 

“I’ll make sure to turn the lamp on. You can borrow mine too, if you want.”

Ava seems to consider the option and forces herself to stand. “If I have nightmares, I’m going to be mad at you.”

Beatrice nods in acceptance. “If you have nightmares, you can always come to my room and tell me about it.”

Ava stops moving and studies her. “You’re too nice.”

“You’re calling me nice now?” Beatrice raises an eyebrow. “During your meditation training, you used a lot of descriptors...none of them were  _ nice. _ ”

Ava winces. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. I think you did make progress. You just need to learn to focus your mind. I think that you have  _ too  _ many thoughts and feelings in that head of yours. So, maybe tomorrow you can just focus on one at a time. The strongest one.”

Ava salutes her playfully. “Sir, yes, Sir.”

Beatrice rolls her eyes with a smile, and shoves her along. “Come on. Off to bed.”

They stop at the door in front of Ava’s room, and suddenly, Beatrice isn’t ready to leave her. To say goodnight. She just wants to enjoy her presence for a little longer.

“This is me.” Ava says unnecessarily.

They stare at each other awkwardly for a minute, neither one willing to be the one to make the move and walk away. Or kiss. Beatrice adds to herself. Because she isn’t sure where Ava’s head is at, but she’s willing to admit (at least to herself) where her head is right now. 

Without another word, Ava turns and walks through the door. Beatrice sighs as it closes behind her and rolls her eyes at herself. Why would she think she could kiss Ava now? She isn’t even sure she knows  _ how _ to do it. Let alone, whether she would be good at it.

The door opens again and Ava is instantly in front of her. She leans in and Beatrice’s breath hitches. Her eyes close automatically in anticipation.

“Why does it look like a unicorn threw up in my room?” Ava whispers.

Beatrice’s eyes snap open. “What?”

Ava steps aside and shoves the bedroom door open. “A unicorn, who’s name I assume is Camila, threw up glitter and rainbow colored post-it notes all over my room.”

Beatrice steps just inside the room as she takes in the alluded to ‘crime scene.’ It was overwhelmingly cheerful and so completely Camila.

“I guess she took that whole ‘words of affirmation thing’ very seriously.” Ava comments from beside Beatrice. “Should I be worried? She’s not going to end up being a stalker or anything, right? You know how I am with trusting the wrong people.”

Beatrice senses the fondness that belies Ava’s words. She realizes that a small part of her is jealous that Camila has this kind of affect on her. In that moment, she decides that she is going to be brave and fearless, like Camila. And she is going to stop censoring herself when it comes to Ava. Because, beyond Beatrice’s own fear, is the fact that Ava needs to know that she means something to someone. And Beatrice needs her to know that she means everything to her.

“Her heart is in the right place. And you can’t deny she cares about you.” Beatrice admits. Then she takes a steadying breath and adds, “I’m not as creative as Camila...or as...energetically...cheerful and expressive. But I care, too. A lot. More than I have words for sometimes.”

Ava inhales shakily and her gaze holds Beatrice’s. “I appreciate that. And I believe you.” Then she smirks. “You are not as energetically cheerful or expressive as Camila.”

Beatrice smacks her playfully as she fights her blush. Is this what flirting feels like?

“But no one is, really. And remember, we can only be who we are.” Ava tells her as she steps closer. “And I happen to think that you’re amazing just the way you are. You know, when you’re not chastising me about my ineptitude at meditation or my impulsiveness and selfishness.”

“I believe that just this afternoon, I told you to start being  _ more  _ selfish.” Beatrice counters as she takes a step closer.

“I remember.”

“Do you really?” Beatrice challenges.

The door opening behind them startles them both apart. Beatrice grabs hold of the door frame to steady herself.

“Can you please just pick a room already, some of us are trying to sleep.” Mary says as she rubs at her eyes. Then she looks at them and smirks. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Yes, you did.” Ava replies.

“You’re right. I did.” Mary retorts. “Now go to bed. You have a long day ahead of you. It’s two on one sparring tomorrow.”

Mary doesn’t wait for a response before disappearing back behind her closed door.

“Well, you heard her.” Ava says. “Goodnight.”

And then she is also gone as the door gently closes in Beatrice’s face. And Beatrice feels...empty. But also, somehow more alive than she ever felt before. And that is enough. For now.


	5. Chapter 5

They were all outside combat training first thing in the morning. At first, Beatrice watches Ava spar each of the other girls, and even takes a turn herself. She notices how much improvement Ava had made with her training. She seems able to summon her power at will and control it better than ever. She is quicker, stronger, more focused. She seems almost able to anticipate moves no matter who she is fighting. And that is just her Halo power. 

She is also getting quite skilled with various weapons (bo, escrima sticks, long sword, broadsword, daggers, shotgun, rifle, 9mm Glock, and, at Ava’s request, nun-chucks), and hand to hand combat in multiple Martial Arts styles (Kung Fu, Karate, Muay Thai, Kenpo, Aikido, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu and Jeet Kune Do). Beatrice is impressed and very proud of how quickly she catches on to learning a new skill. It is truly remarkable to witness. She isn’t sure if it is the Halo or Ava, herself. She thinks it’s a combination of the two. 

And she thinks it’s part of why the Halo chose her. Because she has the capacity to learn to kill; but unlike Lilith, or even Mary, she has the heart to keep her grounded. It isn’t about just winning the war for her. It isn’t about good versus evil. For Ava, it’s about redemption. Second chances. She never said anything, but Beatrice wonders if there’s a part of Ava that wants to save Father Vincent. He betrayed them and Ava hates him for it. But Beatrice thinks there’s more to it. That if maybe they can save him...that Ava will finally feel like she is worth saving. That she is not irredeemable and unworthy. Because she’s trying to believe it, but Beatrice can tell that she still has doubts.

After their short rest, Mary and Lilith team up to spar with Ava--two on one. Beatrice plans to watch, but Camila interrupts her thoughts.

“I think you shouldn’t watch. You sort of go all mama bear if Ava gets so much as a bruise.” 

“I do not.”

“You yelled at  _ me  _ not ten minutes ago.” Camila argues.

“You swung a staff at her when she wasn’t looking.” 

“And she phased through it. No harm done. It’s like…”

“She sensed it?” Beatrice questions.

“Yeah. She’s been on top of her game all day, Lilith told me I had to try to trip her up.” 

“Right, sorry. I know it’s just training and there’s no real harm.”

“But you can’t help worrying about her. I get it.” Camila smiles. “She’s like a giant Teddy Bear that you just want to cuddle and keep safe forever.”

Beatrice studies her briefly. Then shakes her head to thwart the unnecessary jealousy that’s trying to break loose. “She thinks the same of you, actually.”

Camila’s smile widens. “Really?”

“Fuck!” Ava screams in pain as she falls to her knees and holds her stomach. 

Her hands are caked in blood. Lilith is already by her side.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” She tosses her bloody sword to the ground and the metal clinks against the pavement. “I’m so sorry.”

Beatrice and Camila immediately run to them and Beatrice crouches down next to Ava.

“What happened?” Beatrice asks with more fear than anger, but only barely.

“She...I thought she saw me coming. I thought she would phase through it.” Lilith says in shock, her own grief palpable.

“Let’s get her inside. We need to stop the bleeding. Camila, grab lots of towels.” Mary jumps into action since no one else seems to have the presence of mind to do so.

Camila runs off ahead of them. 

“Beatrice, help me carry her.” Mary is beside her before she realizes it. “She’ll be okay. We just have to slow the bleeding so she can heal faster.”

Beatrice nods numbly, but follows Mary’s lead. Mary grabs Ava’s feet, and Beatrice grabs her under the arms.

“Lilith, can you help keep pressure on the wound as we carry her?” Mary asks.

Lilith falls in step with them and when Ava’s hands fall away, Lilith replaces them with her own. More blood gushes out of the wound and Ava is nearly unconscious by the loss of it.

“I’m so sorry, Ava. Please don’t die.” Lilith begs as they awkwardly walk as quickly through the back yard as they can. Camila is at the door and holds it open for them. “I already cleared the way to her bedroom. The door’s open and her bed is ready.”

“Thanks.” Mary says.

“Ava...it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” Beatrice says more to assure herself than anything.

“She will be. She’s strong.” Camila agrees as she follows behind them.

They make their way to Ava’s bedroom and place her on the bed. Beatrice grabs one of the towels Camila sat on the nightstand, and gently pushes Lilith’s hands out of the way. 

“Here, let me get it. Go wash your hands. Maybe fetch some water. She’ll need to be hydrated when she wakes up again.” Beatrice tells her gently.

Lilith nods and disappears. 

“I’m going to check on her. She’s...I don’t want her to be alone.” Mary says when Lilith stumbles out of the room. “You got this?”

“We do.” Camila answers and steps in to replace Mary at the foot of the bed.

Mary leaves as well and Camila looks at Beatrice with worry. “She lost a lot of blood.”

“I know.”

“Has it stopped bleeding yet?” She wonders hopefully.

Beatrice briefly lifts the towel only to wince when more blood gushes out. She almost throws up at the sight of it. Not that she isn’t used to blood and combat training injuries. But because her stomach is so nauseated right now...out of worry, and fear, and anger, and so many other emotions she can’t begin to name.

“I think I need to…” She covers her mouth with her other hand.

“Go. I got this.”

She excuses herself to dry heave in the sink and then stops in the doorway to watch Ava and Camila. Ava looks so small, with her unconscious body bleeding out. She faintly hears Camila humming and smiles to herself. She takes a steadying breath to compose herself and walks back in the room.

“I can do that.” She says, reaching for a new towel.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” Camila says and then looks at Beatrice. “I mean, of course. You should. I just...I want to do something. I need to be doing something.”

“Maybe...check on Lilith? She still hasn’t come back with that water.”

“Right. Okay.” 

Beatrice doesn’t watch her walk away, she has her eyes trained on Ava.

“Come on, wake up. I need you to wake up.” Beatrice whispers shakily as she presses harder on the wound. 

She feels Ava move under her hands. 

“Ava?” 

“I’m awake.” Comes the gentle and melodic voice.

“Barely.”

“Hmmm?” 

Beatrice decides against making her talk. She’s just glad she’s alive. And as soon as the relief washes over her, the anger returns. She tries to stomp it down. To temper it with hope and thanksgiving. But even she’s not strong enough to hold back the red-hot rage. 

Before she is able to unleash a tirade on the unsuspecting, incoherent girl beneath her blood stained hands, Mary and Camila re-enter the room. Camila is carrying a large glass of water and Mary is wearing a concerned frown.

“She’s okay, right?” Mary asks.

“No thanks to you.” Beatrice growls and then immediately regrets it. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.” Mary tells her gently. “And you’re not the only one here who’s worried. We all care about her.”

“I know.” Beatrice deflates. “I think..could you handle this. I need to get some air before I say more things I regret.”

Mary wordlessly replaces Beatrice’s hands with her own. Beatrice stands and forces a smile at Camila.

“She’s conscious now. Try to get her to drink some of that.” She tells her as she walks out of the room.

Lilith is pacing back and forth in the living room when Beatrice enters. She stops when she sees her and her face looks as anguished as Beatrice feels.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. She’s okay, right? I know she will be, but...is she?” Lilith’s eyes are innocent and wide.

“She’s conscious. The bleeding has hopefully slowed down by now.” Her voice sounds hollow, even she can sense it.

“It was an accident. You have to know that.” Lilith declares with as much force as she is able to muster.

Beatrice nods. Because she understands. She knows that Lilith and Ava are on good terms now. That they begrudgingly respect and even like each other. And she knows that Lilith would never purposefully hurt Ava. Not anymore.

Lilith releases the breath she was holding. And her shoulders drop. “Good. I just...I didn’t want you to think…”

“I just want to know what happened. How could this happen? I’ve seen how much she improved lately. I sparred her today. She’s strong. She’s been so...perceptive and...fast...and….”

“I know. When the three of us were sparring...it felt like we were all in sync. We knew what each person was going to do next and where they’d be. It was like a dance...a brilliant dance. And then...I don’t know what went wrong...I thought for sure she saw me coming…”

“I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you.” Beatrice told her. Some of her ire finally evaporating.

“Don’t be mad at her either. She has done so much work these past several days and has come so far...I don’t want her to think that we think this makes her any less amazing than she is. I don’t want her to think we believe she can’t do this. Because...I don’t believe that anyone else is more capable. I’ve seen what she can do, and I’m glad that the Halo chose her. She deserves it.” Lilith tells her passionately and sincerely.

Beatrice looks at her. Studies her. Sees her truly, for the first time. She realizes that each of them, her sisters, they had all been broken. They were discarded and unloved and she’s sick of it. Sick of feeling that way. Sick of the world for making people who are amazing and wonderful and so pure and just and...human, feel unworthy and hated. These are her people. Her family. These are the people who matter to her and who she wishes mattered to the world. But she can’t change the past. She doesn’t know if she wants to. Because it brought her to them. To this moment. To Ava.

“I used to hate myself so much for not fitting in or being good enough or being  _ normal. _ ” Beatrice sees Lilith open her mouth to argue and silences her with a shake of her head. “But the parts of myself...the ones I hated the most...those are the parts that Ava adores about me. The imperfect bits.”

“The liking girls bits too, I presume.” Lilith deadpans, but then smirks afterwards.

“Yes, those too. And I was so scared that if I would be open about it-about my sexuality, that I would lose the church. And it...what I created for myself there, was all I had. I thought I would lose my family. I’d lose you and Camila and…”

“Never. We  _ are  _ your family. And I know I’m not always the best at showing it. Or even saying it. But I care. I love you all. Even Ava, I suppose.”

Beatrice beams brightly at that. 

“She’s really amazing. The way she looks at me, I know I don’t have experience or anything...but no one has ever looked at me like that. Not even in my wildest dreams. And the way she makes me feel, like I matter. Like I am enough and worthy of her. Like through me...she can see that God does exist, and that she might actually believe in him. No one ever made me feel that way before, and I doubt no one else ever will. And I don’t know what it all means, and I don’t know what to do about it, or what she wants. But when I’m with her, even if we’re sitting in silence or if she’s rattling away like she does sometimes, I feel contentment. And peace. And love.” Her eyes widen. “I think I love her. I don’t even know how to process that. Or if it’s possible this soon. But it feels...right. The idea of loving her feels perfect. And it feels safe and scary at the same time.” She looks at Lilith, searching for acceptance. “Does that make sense?”

Lilith stares at her. “Don’t look at me, I’m still stuck on the wildest dreams part. I’m equally mortified and intrigued by what you meant by that.”

Beatrice smiles at her. She feels better. Much better. And by the mirth in Lilith’s eyes, she knows that Lilith feels better, too. They both needed this. The heart to heart. To actually say what they mean and know that they are heard and seen and valued. She feels valued. And she wants Lilith to feel the same.

“I appreciate you.” She tells her. “As a person. As a sister warrior. And as my friend.”

Lilith’s breath hitches and her eyes water. “I…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just, I should have told you ages ago. I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

“It’s okay. I know I lost my way for a while. I’m glad I found it again.”

“We all make mistakes. I don’t hold grudges. And neither does Ava.”

“To be clear, we are holding a grudge against Father Vincent, though. Right?” Lilith wonders with a smirk. 

“Oh, definitely.” Beatrice smirks back.

“I can’t believe how much time I wasted. Resenting Shannon for getting the Halo and not me. And…”

“I know.”

“She died...and I haven’t even had time to grieve her.”

“We should.” Beatrice says impulsively. “I think she deserves that much. A proper send off. I know that Mary would appreciate getting to say goodbye.”

Lilith nods at her. “I’d like that, too.” She glances toward Ava’s bedroom door. “I think it’s equally important to be mindful of what we lost...but grateful for what we have.”

Beatrice inhales sharply. “I am. Grateful.”

“Yes. But can you be brave?”

“I want to be.”

“We wasted so much of our lives training for war, watching people we care about die. But that isn’t all life should be. We’ve forgotten how to live. Or at least, I know I did. This war isn’t going anyway, why wait for it to end before letting yourself be happy?”

This time, it’s Beatrice who tears up and she lunges toward Lilith and hugs her awkwardly. Lilith timidly wraps her arms around her in return, but then grips her tightly.

“The bleeding stopped. She’s fully conscious. She finished the whole glass of water. And she is terrified that you hate her.” Camila says as she walks into the room, but then stops abruptly when she sees their embrace. “Group hug! Can I join?”

Lilith is the one to laugh and adjust so that Camila can fall into them. Beatrice holds them both firmly in her arms.

“I love you all...but I am not about to get involved with whatever is going on right now.” Mary says as she plops down on the couch. “Go in there and see your girl.”

Beatrice releases a watery chuckle as she detaches from the others.

“Remember. Be nice. She almost died.” Camila warns.

Mary laughs. “Not sure that reminder will help.”

“Camila’s right. Take it easy on her. She did good today, all things considered.” Lilith says.

Beatrice looks at each of them fondly. She can’t believe she was ever worried that they wouldn’t love her for who she is, because she loves each of them precisely  _ because  _ of who they are.

“Oh, and don’t like...do anything...that will cause too much exertion for her. Since she’s still healing.” Camila calls as Beatrice starts to walk away.

Lilith and Mary laugh hysterically as she tries to control the deep flush that immediately appears on her face and neck. She curses them as she slowly approaches the door and knocks on it.

“Come in. Unless you came to kill me...which in that case, please wait until I can properly defend myself.” 

Ava’s voice is muffled on the other side of the door, but it makes her smile because she knows she’s pretty much back to her old self again. But also, it infuriates her. Because how can she still be joking at a time like this?

When Beatrice enters the room, there is music quietly playing. She’s silent for a few minutes, just listening. But also, trying to calm herself for this conversation.

“This is nice. I like it.”

“Taylor Swift.” Ava tells her as her eyes trail Beatrice’s movements through the room. “I figured I should get some karaoke practice in.”

Beatrice lets herself smile. “Camila’s going to hold you to it.”

Ava instantly relaxes into the light banter. “Dude, I am so ready. You should see my dance moves.”

Beatrice raises an eyebrow. “There’s dancing now, too?” She pauses as she reaches Ava on the bed. “You may have to teach me how.”

“I’d love to.” Ava smirks. “How about instead of meditating tomorrow?”

“Funny. But if you think I’m going to lighten up on your training after what just happened.”

Ava swallows slowly and nods. “I was wondering when you were going to yell at me.”

Beatrice sits beside Ava and turns to better face her. “There will be no yelling this time.”

“Promise?” Ava looks hopeful.

“I promise.” She rests her hand on Ava’s shoulder. “Will you tell me what happened out there?”

“I don’t want to tell you.” Ava whispers, as she avoids eye contact.

“Why? I already promised I wouldn’t get mad. And we need to know so we can...you know, avoid having you get stabbed again.” She grazes her fingertips along Ava’s jawline before she can stop herself. “I was really scared, and so were the others. You usually phase through their weapons when they get close to you.”

“I know.”

“Were you drained of the Halo’s power? We can take it easy for a day or two. Maybe you over-extended yourself these last few days. You’ve really been going at it.”

“That wasn’t what happened. And I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Ava. You got stabbed through the gut with a sword.” Beatrice snaps, then bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes. 

She takes a few deep breaths. When she opens them again, Ava is staring at her.

“It’s hard for you, not to be yelling at me right now. Isn’t it?” Ava wonders.

“I was really scared.”

“You said that already.” Ava teased.

Ignoring Ava’s attempt at misdirection, Beatrice trudges onward. “Are you really not going to tell me what happened?”

Ava shrugs. “It’s embarrassing.”

“More embarrassing than losing a fight to Lilith?” Beatrice comments.

Ava brings her hands to her heart. “Ow, you wound me.”

“Look, are you being adorable right now? Yes. You are, and it’s distracting and annoying and somewhat charming. But Ava, I’m trying to be serious here. Please, tell me what happened so we can work on it for next time.”

Ava watches her carefully. “Promise you won’t get mad?”

Beatrice opens her mouth to make the promise, but Ava interrupts her.

“I mean, madder than you already are.”

“I’m not mad!” Beatrice growls.

Ava smirks at her. “Sure you’re not.”

“Ava.” Beatrice’s tone is stern.

“I got distracted.”

Beatrice frowns. “Distracted? You were fighting Mary  _ and  _ Lilith. How did you find the time to get distracted?”

“Look, I tried what you said. Okay. And it didn’t work. Can we just drop it?”

“Tried what I said? I never told you to  _ try  _ and get distracted while sparring with  _ real  _ weapons.” Beatrice is confused and annoyed at Ava’s avoidance.

Ava rolls her eyes. “I know you didn’t tell me that. You told me to focus on one emotion. My strongest one. So that’s what I did. And it made me so powerful for a while, I felt...invincible. And then...well, I got distracted.”

“Do you mean, cocky? Because I could see how you might let your guard down if you thought you were invincible.”

“Beatrice...you were the one who told me that my ignorance could be a downer sometimes, but really? You don’t see what I’m trying to avoid telling you?”

“Apparently not.”

“My strongest emotion...the thing that made me feel invincible...it’s my stupid feelings for you, you idiot. And then I started thinking about you and wanting to kiss you and then...well, distracted. See? A knife through the gut really puts a damper on the mood.”

Beatrice’s mouth opens and shuts as she tries to process what she just heard.

“I know what you’re going to say. You're going to tell me to keep it in my pants. That I need to focus. That you can’t mix love and war. I get it all. I do. And I’m sorry that my distraction led to me getting hurt and you getting scared about it.” She lifts her shirt up to show Beatrice her bare stomach. “Look, good as new. I’m already healed. So you don’t need to worry about me. I promise I’ll do better tomorrow.”

Beatrice is still staring at Ava’s stomach. She forces her eyes shut and tries to control her breathing. “With all due respect, you don’t actually have a clue what I’m going to say.” She opens her eyes and pleads with herself to have the courage to get through this. “Because I don’t even know what I want to say.”

“Oh.”

Beatrice is grateful that Ava doesn’t say more. That she actually knows when it’s best to stay quiet.

“You wanted to kiss me?” Beatrice asks shyly. Mostly because she needs to confirm it again, before she lets her heart truly soar.

“There is no past tense to it. But yeah.” Ava admits with blush, but her eyes never leave Beatrice’s.

“You  _ want  _ to kiss me.” Beatrice corrects herself.

Ava nods. “Do you really have to get stuck on that point? I said a lot of other stuff, too.”

“I know. You said that you have really strong feelings for me. And that tapping into that emotion.” She doesn’t name the word  _ love,  _ but she hopes for it. Wants it to be true. “Made you strong. Made you feel invincible.”

“Yes.” Ava confirms. “You were right. If I can work on not getting distracted...I think I will have enough power...for anything. Like Sister Melanie wrote about. It’s something primal. Something that can’t be defeated. I felt what she felt, or I think I did. And in that moment...I knew we could win. I think I know what to do. How to win.”

Beatrice wants to be happy about that. Wants to celebrate that there may be a way to victory. Finally. After all this time. But Ava was right, she was stuck on the one point. The kiss thing.

Ava frowns. “I thought you’d be happier. I just told you I think I know how we can win. I really think we have a chance. We can save the world together, Beatrice.”

“I am happy. Beyond measure.”

“Then why do you look like you just got kicked out of Disney World?”

Beatrice tilts her head to the side in confusion. “I don’t know what I look like right now. I’m still processing.”

Ava mimes zipping her lips shut and sits quietly in place as she fidgets with her own hands. Then she slowly reaches across to take one of Beatrice’s. Before Ava can ask if the move is okay, Beatrice laces her own fingers through Ava’s and holds on tight.

She can’t look at Ava when she speaks. “Believe me. I’m happy right now. Happier than I’ve ever been. I just...first of all, I knew you could do it. That you would be the one to find a way and I’ll wait until we’re with the others for you to tell us all about that. Right now, I need to...I want to say something.”

Ava squeezes her hand encouragingly, but remains quiet. She allows Beatrice to take the time she needs to process and get her words together enough to form proper sentences again.

“I really want to kiss you, too. But I’m terrified that I won’t know how. Or that I won’t be good at it. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Never even thought about it really. And now...it’s sometimes all I think about.” She glances at Ava. “Kissing you, I mean. Not just kissing anyone.”

Ava smiles.

“And I have feelings for you, too. Strong ones. Stronger than what I know to do with. And that terrifies me. Not being with you. Because I know it will be everything that I ever wanted.” She faces Ava now. “But I’m terrified it won’t be everything you need.”

Ava frowns. “What does that mean?”

“If you’d let me, I’d be everything for you. Girlfriend, to start. I want to kiss you. I want to call you mine. I want to be yours, and yours alone. I love holding your hand. And watching you.”

“That’s creepy.” Ava whispers.

Beatrice glares at her playfully and Ava smiles, so she finds the strength to continue. “I love when you fall asleep on me, and I want to cuddle with you. I want to hold you forever and never let go. I love you. I’m  _ in  _ love with you. But that’s all I’m capable of. I can’t give you more.”

Ava’s eyes widen. “What more is there? That sounds amazing. I want all of that, too.”

“Sex, Ava. I can’t...I’m not…”

Ava frowns. “You do realize that I’m also a virgin, right? I mean...JC and I, we never...I never...just _how_ experienced do you think I am?”

“I just figured that you will eventually want more. Need more.”

“Beatrice...I am more than happy with whatever you are willing to give. It’s already more than I deserve. And more than I ever let myself hope for. I’m not some sex-crazed heathen, you know.”

Beatrice breathes a sigh of absolute relief and pure joy. “So...you’re okay with those terms?”

“Those terms? Have we just entered into some kind of funky business transaction?”

“Ava…”

“Are you asking if I’ll be your girlfriend?”

“Ava!” Beatrice growns.

“Use your words, Beatrice.” Ava grins.

“Forget it. I take it all back.”

Ava shakes her head frantically. “No! No take backs. I’m already yours.”

Beatrice smiles at her lovingly. “And I’m yours.”

“Great. It’s official. I love you. You love me.” Ava scoots a little closer and leans in slowly. 

“Please say it again.” Beatrice whispers.

“I love you.” Ava says proudly.

“I love you, too.” Beatrice tells her reverently.

“Good.” Ava smiles and rests her hand on Beatrice’s cheek, letting her thumb brush over her lips and parting them. Her eyes follow the movement. “Does that mean I can kiss you now?” 

Beatrice bites her lip nervously. “I can’t promise I’ll be good at it.”

“Then we’ll make sure to get a lot of practice.”

That makes Beatrice laugh. 

“I’m not going to kiss you unless you say it’s okay.” Ava tells her.

Beatrice swallows audibly, then she is the one who closes the distance between them. It’s chaste and soft and warm and  _ perfect _ . And doesn’t last nearly as long as she wants it to. Ava pulls away first.

“Just so you know. You’re good at it.” Ava smiles before leaning in to claim her lips again.

This kiss is slower, more sensual. It’s an exploration of lips and tongues and hands. She feels Ava’s hands settle on her waist and uses her own to tug Ava closer to her. Beatrice pulls away eventually, resting her forehead against Ava’s to catch her breath. She feels Ava’s warm breath on her lips as they look at each other. And it’s like she sees Ava truly for the first time. The earnestness. The Love. How had she missed it before?

“That was perfect. You’re perfect.” Ava breathes out in awe and admiration. 

“You have to say that, you’re my girlfriend.”

Ava laughs breathlessly, and kisses Beatrice again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even blame Taylor for this chapter, it's all me. These girls ruin my life in the best way.
> 
> Only 1 or 2 more chapters left. I'm really grateful to all of you for reading and commenting on this story, it means everything to me.


	6. Chapter 6

Beatrice and Ava eventually exit the bedroom, hand in hand, as they walk through the hallway and stop when they see the others sitting in the living room waiting for them. Beatrice feels their eyes on them, and knows all the questions they want to ask but show restraint by not asking. She sees their eyes fall to hers and Ava’s linked hands in unison, and smiles at them proudly. Mary smirks, Lilith nods in appreciation, and Camila’s whole face beams with excitement. 

“So, what’d we miss?” Ava jokes from beside her as she runs her hand nervously through her hair.

“Yup, she’s good as new.” Mary comments with an eye roll.

Ava releases Beatrice’s hand and approaches the group. “I owe you all an apology. I got distracted out there and got myself hurt and worried you all.”

“We weren’t worried.” Mary says as she puffs out her chest in challenge.

Ava smiles at her and then lets her eyes fall on Lilith. “It wasn’t your fault. No one blames you. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“I...thank you.” Lilith falters. 

Ava plops down between Lilith and Camila, even though there is absolutely not enough room for her. Camila collapses into her and hugs her, while Lilith reluctantly pats her thigh in the most awkward way Beatrice has ever seen. That makes her heart even happier.

“So, now that the hard part is over...want to hear my plan for defeating Adriel?” Ava declares excitedly to the room.

“If this plan came to you while you were unconscious…” Lilith starts but is interrupted by Ava.

“Hey, that doesn’t make it any less amazeballs.”

“Tell us the plan so we can veto it and move on.” Mary demands.

“Awww, I missed you, too.” Ava counters. But then launches into a tirade of speed talking that Beatrice finds hard to keep up with. “Jillian's machine amplifies the Halo’s powers and it might have hurt like hell and felt like it was killing me, which I think maybe it was...I believe I can handle it now and even control it. So, we have her use the machine...and me, to open a portal to the other side. And see what’s over there. Hopefully, it’s the heaven she promised and not hell. But either way, I think we can find a way to use that portal...use that power...to keep the portals to hell open when the demons come to attack us. And if we can get enough of them to appear...maybe it will bring Adriel out of hiding and he will finally come face us. And we shove him back into the gates of Hell. Forever.”

Beatrice stares at her in confusion and glances at the others to see that they are just as confused.

“I don’t know how much of any of that makes sense.” Beatrice told her gently. “And I’m still stuck on the part where you thought the machine was killing you and you what to try accessing its power again.”

“A lot of that is bullshit. It’s a horrible plan.” Lilith agrees. “But...if the machine does amplify your power and you can learn to control it...we might be able to open our own portal. On will.”

Mary nods. “We can set a trap for Adriel. Some place  _ we  _ can control, so there are no innocents he can use as pawns. And then  _ if  _ you can learn to harness the power of the portal and bend it to your will...we could theoretically open a portal to wherever you imagine and send him there.”

Ava nods frantically. “Yes. That’s  _ my  _ plan. I came up with it.”

“Your plan sucked.” Lilith disagrees. “This plan is better.”

“It’s the same plan.”

“Yours was a little...convoluted.” Camila tries to appease both sides.

“I still don’t like this plan.” Beatrice states for the record. “Too many variables. Too many risks. Too much speculation.”

“I’m open to a better plan, if you have one.” Mary says. “Otherwise, this might be our one shot.”

“ _ ‘Hey yo, I'm just like my country. I'm young, scrappy and hungry. And I'm not throwin' away my shot.’ _ ” Ava sings randomly and adorably in a way that Beatrice nearly forgets what they were talking about.

Mary laughs. Lilith stares at Ava curiously. And Camila bobs her head to the nonexistent beat.

“Can we focus?” Beatrice asks because she still doesn’t like the plan. But also, because she really wants to kiss Ava right now and that is not a viable option presently.

“Right. Sorry.” Ava sobers up. “We need to reach out to Jillian and see if she still has a working machine and is willing to let us experiment with it.”

“The machine that almost killed you?” Beatrice repeats, because she  _ hates  _ this plan.

“That was back before I joined your team and learned that Jillian wasn’t the bad guy. I think it will be fine now.” Ava confirms.

“It really isn’t a half bad plan, Beatrice. We’ve certainly had worse.” Mary says.

“And Ava’s power is growing, and despite today’s proof, she is much better at controlling it.” Lilith adds.

“I think it could work. I studied the components and the functions of the machine while we were at the lab. Since it’s made from divinium, not only can Ava control it theoretically, but it should also be powerful enough to control Adriel. It might be our best chance to trap in somewhere no one else can ever free him from.” Camila explains. 

Beatrice finds herself hard pressed to argue against logic. She nods minutely and Ava jumps off the couch and wraps her arms around her.

“Thank you for believing in me and trusting my plan. We’ve got this.” Ava says and raises to her tiptoes to place a quick kiss to Beatrice’s lips.

And how can she argue any more about any of it?

Mary stands and claps her hands together once. “Great! Now that that is settled, let’s take the night off of training and world ending stuff and give Shannon the proper memorial she deserves.

Beatrice nods. “Sounds perfect.”

“Good, because while the two of you were doing whatever you were doing, we already started planning something.” Lilith says as she stands beside Mary. “We’re going to go get that started.”

She watches them leave, and Beatrice walks to the couch and takes a seat beside Camila. She frowns when she realizes that Ava didn’t follow her.

“I think I want to help them set up for the memorial. I owe at least that much to Shannon.” Ava says. 

Then she leans over and presses a quick kiss to Beatrice’s forehead and is gone in a flash. Camila giggles from beside her. Beatrice sighs and directs her attention on Camila.

“How long have you known?” Beatrice asks.

“Known?”

“You specifically gave me the journal bookmarked to Sister Melanie’s story and said you thought it could help.” Beatrice explains. “At first, I thought you meant it was the secret to unlocking the Halo’s power...but it was more, wasn’t it? You wanted me to read about her sexuality.”

Camila shrugs. “I was sick of seeing you so sad all the time. I thought that if you saw another sister...a Warrior Nun who was proudly and unabashedly herself...that maybe you could see how amazing we all already knew you were.”

“So...you’ve known for awhile then?” Beatrice smiles fondly as she let’s Camila’s words sink in.

Camila knew and she accepted her and she wanted her to love and accept herself. 

“I suspected, because I know what it’s like to hide yourself. To be terrified of being found out. But when I saw you with Ava...I knew it for sure.” Camila tells her. “Maybe I should have confided in you long ago and we could have gone through this all together, rather than alone. But I didn’t think you would be ready to hear it...especially, if I was wrong.” Camila looks down nervously. “And I wasn’t ready yet either.”

Beatrice reaches out for her hand and holds it in hers. It feels different than it does with Ava. Still good though. Like, comfort and joy. She wonders why she deprived herself of the simplicity of touch for so long. It is powerful--the sense of connection it yields. 

“I’m glad you are able to talk about it and be yourself now. You deserve great things, too, Camila. You deserve the best.” She says with a proud smile. 

“I know I do. And I don’t plan to settle. I’m gonna wait for  _ my  _ Ava.” Camila smiles back defiantly. 

“I don’t doubt you’ll find her.” Beatrice confirms, then squeezes her hand. “For what it’s worth, I owe you everything. It was that journal that gave me the push I needed. To come out. To let Ava in. Thank you.”

Camila grins. “If you want to thank me, tell me all about it! I saw the two of you coming out of her room holding hands. So what else happened? Did you kiss her?!”

Camila’s excitement about the conversation makes Beatrice blush. She pulls her hand away and rubs her face anxiously. 

“We kissed. It was perfect. It was...she was. It was amazing and she was respectful, and…” Beatrice sighs happily at the memory. “I was so scared that I would scare her away, that it would be too much. I mean, I am a lesbian  _ nun, _ and let’s be real, that can be a lot to take in on its own. But being a warrior who is part of a secret organization that fights evil and saves the world... _ that  _ takes a lot of blind faith. Especially, for someone who is a  _ heretic _ and who has had previous bad encounters with murderous nuns. And then throwing in my being Ace. I just figured, I was pushing it, you know. Expecting her to be okay with all of it. I was scared she’d think I wasn’t worth it. Or think I was broken., somehow.”

“Do  _ you  _ think you’re broken?”

“I used to.” She admits with shame.

“Kintsukuroi.” Camila utters quietly with a sad smile.

“More beautiful for having been broken.” Beatrice breathes out shakily. “I...thank you.”

“It’s true. Look what you both have been through. I think you were meant to find each other. She needs you just as much as you need her. And I don’t think either of you is broken. But, it’s the cracks in your skin that allow the light to shine in. Or out, I guess.”

Beatrice smiles again, her heart thumping loudly in her chest reminding her how blessed she is. 

“We also said ‘ _ I love yous’. _ Which, I said it first, don’t let her tell you otherwise! I was the brave one.” She smiles to herself. “I was brave. And as happy as I am right now. I’m also proud. Proud for caring about myself enough to fight for what I want. I’m proud that I made it. That we all made it. That after everything that we endured, we made it. We didn’t let it destroy us or change us, and we didn’t just survive. I’m proud that we all are learning how to live.”

Camila’s teary eyes made Beatrice’s own eyes tear up. 

“Stop crying.” Camila whimpers.

“I’m not crying, you’re crying.” Beatrice tells her as she wipes at her own tears.

“Oh no, they started without us.” Lilith says as she walks into the room and stares at them in horror. “How are we supposed to get through this memorial, if you’re both already crying?”

That only made the two of them cry harder.

“Seriously?” Mary’s voice cracks. “Beatrice, I expected you to be the strong one. I don’t know if I can do this without you.”

“I can be the strong one today, if you need me to.” Ava offers with uncertainty. “I mean, I’ll do my best. I owe you all that.”

“You don’t owe us anything, Ava. Not anymore.” Lilith tells her seriously.

“I mean, I still plan to give you the  _ ‘if you hurt Beatrice, I’ll kill you’ _ talk, but other than that, we’re good.” Mary argrees.

Beatrice blushes at that and smiles when she sees how flustered Ava is. “Hey, she doesn’t mean that.”

“The hell I don’t!” Mary says honestly. “But the same goes for you, B. You hurt her, you answer to me.”

“To us.” Camila adds.

Ava’s face softens and she looks misty eyed. Beatrice stands from the couch and approaches her, kissing her forehead softly. “I love you.”

Ava smiles broadly, and holds her hand. “I love you, too.”

Mary and Lilith grumble incoherently as they make their way outside. Camila approaches them with a smile and a blush. 

“You both are so cute. I’m so happy for you.” She tells them, before she follows the others outside.

Ava takes a deep breath and exhales shakily. “How am I supposed to be the strong one now? I just...I feel like I won the gold medal at the Olympics...and then tripped on my way up to the podium and forgot the words to the National Anthem.”

Beatrice stares at her trying to decipher the content in her words. “You feel  _ too  _ happy?”

Ava nods. “Like waiting for the other shoe to drop because my life can’t possibly get any better kind of happy.”

Beatrice frowns. “Why do you think just because you finally get to be happy...that something bad will happen?”

Ava shrugs. “Because it always does. In my experience.” She frowns. “Scratch that. I’m not used to actually  _ being _ happy, so this is all a first for me, but…”

Beatrice holds her tightly and kisses her temple. “Then get used to it. Because, I plan on spending the rest of my life making you happy.”

“Is that a proposal?” Ava pulls away with a smirk. “Are you proposing?”

“Shut up.”

“I mean, don’t you think you’re rushing things?” She continues to tease.

And Beatrice understands. She made Ava uncomfortable and vulnerable, and she doesn’t know how to respond other than through inappropriate humor. She vows, in that moment, that Ava’s right. That this is it for her. Come what may, in this life or the next, she will be Ava’s forever. And she will spend that time making sure Ava knows and believes that happiness exists and that she deserves it. Always.

She kisses Ava soundly and with passion, and Ava responds instantly. When they eventually part for air, Ava leans into her.

“So...that’s how you plan to shut me up from now on?” She smirks as she raises her eyebrow. “I like it.”

Beatrice rolls her eyes with fondness and kisses her again. This kiss is brief though, and full of promise.

“Come on, the other’s are waiting for us.”

xxxx

They are all standing along the small stream behind the house, shoulder to shoulder. Beatrice marvels at the scene that the others had set up for them. There’s a large, wooden gazebo off to her right that is decorated with white Christmas lights. There’s soft church music playing from a stereo they hijacked from the house. 

They each toss some rose petals into the flowing stream and watch as the water slowly carries them away, beyond sight. And it seems fitting. The flow of it; the continuity of life even in death. Beatrice is holding a candle with one hand and Ava’s hand in the other. 

They had already taken turns telling their favorite stories about Shannon as they alternated between laughing and crying. And Beatrice led them in a prayer and recited her favorite scripture verses. Now, they stood in silence. Honoring Shannon’s life--praying her soul found peace. It was a somber moment, but it also felt calm and... _ big _ . She wonders how they hadn’t found the time to do this earlier. After all, they made time to have a service for Lilith when they thought she was dead. Why hadn’t they done the same for Shannon?

She feels Ava’s hand squeeze hers and inhales the scent of the candle and the faint smell of roses that must have stained her fingertips. She closes her eyes and lets the breeze cool her face and settle her thoughts. Shannon, her friend, is gone. And for that, she is eternally sad. But her other sisters--her family--are still here. They are okay. Her  _ life  _ awaits her. And in that life, there is a love that she never thought she’d know. She rubs her thumb on the back of Ava’s hand, and smiles when she feels her shiver next to her. 

Beatrice doesn’t know how long they stand in silence, but eventually, Mary leads them all to the gazebo. They sit cuddled up in each other, not just for warmth, but mostly for comfort. Ava’s head is in her lap, and she contentedly runs her fingers through her hair while Ava plays with the fingers on her other hand. Camila is leaning into her from the other side. Her head resting on Beatrice’s shoulder. Mary leans into Camila on the other side, eyes closed with a small, sad smile on her lips. And Lilith is sitting beside Ava, her hand resting on Ava’s waist--almost as if she craves contact, but doesn’t know how to ask for it. 

Ava must seem to sense it, because she settles one hand atop of Lilith’s and smiles at her. Lilith smiles back shyly.

Ava adjusts herself in Beatrice’s lap and takes a deep shaky breath. “I know that I am only here...because you guys lost Shannon. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I was such an asshole and kept running away from you.” She sits up awkwardly, forcing both Lilith’s and Beatrice’s hands to fall away. “I want you to know...you can trust me. I won’t run away again. And I...I’m sorry that you lost such a fantastic human being and got stuck with me.”

“Ava…” Mary starts.

Ava waves her off. Beatrice holds her hand tightly. 

“I’m not trying to bring the mood down.” She rolls her eyes awkwardly. “Any more than it already was. And I’m not trying to make it about me, I swear, that isn’t what this is about. I just...I want you to know that I understand the shoes I have to fill and I will do my best to be worthy of them. Worthy of her. Of her sacrifice.” She takes her time looking at each of them with raw honesty and pure admiration. “And I know I didn’t know her, but I have read her journal entry and I can see the way you all care. And I did speak to her, sort of--in a vision, so I think that gives me the authority to say this--but this life...you all...meant the world to her. And you don’t have to worry about wondering if she knew how you felt.” Her eyes dart to Lilith and then settle on Mary. “She knew. And she loved you, too.”

“Fuck you.” Mary whispers as she descends into tears.

Camila hugs her and Mary lets herself be wrapped up in the embrace without argument. Ava flinches at the words, and then relaxes as Beatrice holds her close and rocks them both gently. Lilith places a hand on Ava’s shoulder.

“You were supposed to be the strong one...why’d you have to go and make us cry?” She says through a watery smile as she wipes at her tear stained cheeks with her other hand. She swallows and steadies her breaths. “But thank you. For saying that.”

“Thank you.” Camila repeats above Mary’s soft whimpers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done! Thanks for joining me on this journey. Just a brief Epilogue chapter left (because Ava promised Camila karaoke and Beatrice a dance).


	7. Chapter 7

Beatrice wakes up with a smile, which has become a common occurrence over the last several weeks now that she falls asleep with Ava in her arms. It started after the memorial service for Shannon when they decided that neither of them wanted to be alone that night. And somehow, without either of them talking about it one day stretched into three and then it just sort of became another one of their things. Like making bad puns together. And kissing.

She likes the feeling of Ava tangled up in her. She likes making Ava feel safe and worthy and loved. And she likes that Ava does the same for her. Just holding her would have been enough, especially on the hard training days when they are both mentally and physically exhausted; but they never end the night without making out for a while first. And that has become one of Beatrice’s favorite things. Kissing Ava is divine. And further proof that God exists and made Ava just for her.

Last night was different though, Ava was exhausted and a bit moody. And although she gave Beatrice a brief kiss on the lips before wrapping her arms tightly around her and declaring that she was the ‘big spoon’ this time--things seemed off. 

Beatrice doesn’t blame Ava for it. Not at all. They had put Ava’s plan in motion weeks ago. Enlisting Jillian’s help (after promising her they’d also find a way to get Michael back) had been step one. Step two was testing the machine against Ava’s powers now that she could better control them. That was Beatrice’s least favorite part, because it took its toll on Ava and every one of them could see it. But Ava remained as determined and stubborn as ever.

Step three happened while Ava was training. Lilith and Mary worked on scouting out locations to set their trap, while Camila and Beatrice dove further into any texts they had access to (mostly, those Jillian had provided them) on how the machine worked; and some stolen documents from the Vatican courtesy of Kristian, that gave them further inside insight into who (and what) Adriel really was. Turns out Adriel had been an angel after all. But a fallen one. Scratch that.  _ The  _ fallen one. The devil himself. Or close to it. The Bible and legends and all the writing since had morphed what he truly was, but he was powerful. And suddenly, Beatrice had felt even worse about the plan.

But they had no better options, and it wasn’t like they could keep letting the devil wander around on Earth and continue to wreak havoc. So that’s how they got here. Where Beatrice is now. Lying in bed with Ava and wondering how her girlfriend is doing. Because yesterday, they took on the devil and they won. But at what cost?

It had all gone according to plan, they finally lured Adriel out into the open after several failed attempts over the last few days. And there were no innocents he could possess, so he called on his Tarasks, as predicted. Father Vincent was standing alongside Adriel, brandishing a rifle, and the sight made Beatrice’s stomach turn. Mary was set to kill him, if Lilith didn’t beat her to it. But Ava had stopped them. She wanted to try to save him, if at all possible. But then, their team was divided, and Ava was left alone to face them both. And Beatrice swore that if Ava died trying to keep Father Vincent alive, she’d find a way to bring Ava back from the dead so she could yell at her for her stupid, misplaced selfishness. 

Beatrice couldn’t remember the details of what actually happened next. The portal opened as they had planned, but Michael walked out of it.  _ That  _ Michael. And he was an angel and he was strong and then everything went white. The Tarasks vanished back into their own portals to Hell, and Adriel was gone. Like,  _ gone  _ gone. And Ava held Father Vincent in her arms and they were...talking, or she was talking. Beatrice didn’t get there in time before Ava collapsed on top of him.

She screamed and ran to her, but Michael beat her to it and stood over Ava...healing her. And Father Vincent lay dead beneath her. And Beatrice has no words. She doesn’t know what she said or what happened. Or what was said between the two of them. But Ava won’t talk about it. And it's over. It’s  _ finally _ over. She shivers at the realization that she keeps almost losing Ava, but then tightens her hold around her because she is here. She is safe and asleep and in her arms.

Ava shifts in her sleep and then her eyes pop open. She looks terrified for a moment, before her body relaxes. She seems to experimentally move her fingers and kicks her legs out, accidentally kicking Beatrice in the process.

“Sorry.” She whispers.

“It’s okay.” She maintains eye contact with her. “Are  _ you  _ okay?”

Ava shrugs. “Did yesterday really happen?”

Beatrice nods. “Unless we all had the same fever dream.”

Ava smiles softly. “Aww, you make jokes now.”

“I’ve made jokes before.”

“But that was a funny one.”

“Hey!” She swats at her playfully, then sobers again. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem...you don’t seem yourself.”

“I’m not sure yet..if I am myself. Or what that means anymore.”

“What does that mean?” She kisses her forehead and frowns when Ava stiffens minutely. “You’re you. Just you.”

“Just me?” Ava sighs. “And that’s enough?”

Beatrice exhales shakily. “Ava, what happened? You didn’t want to talk about it yesterday and I know you feel bad about not being able to save Father Vincent...but we  _ won.  _ That’s something worth celebrating. And you kept your promise, you brought Michael back. Which, I still can’t wrap my head around that whole thing...but we did it.  _ You  _ did it.”

“Yeah…” Ava doesn’t say anything further. “We should get up. I’m hungry.”

She detaches herself from Beatrice’s embrace and leaves the room without preamble. Beatrice can’t help following her in silence. The others are already awake and Mary is making breakfast.

Camila skips up to them and hugs them both, then places a sticky note on Ava’s chest. Ava pulls it off and reads it out loud--her voice shaky with exertion.

_ “‘Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.’” _

Camila smiles proudly. “Anais Nin. Not sure how that is, but I thought it was perfect.”

Ava collapses to the ground and sobs loudly. Camila looks traumatized by the reaction as she kneels beside her and Beatrice rushes to the other side.

“I’m so sorry, Ava. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Camila is crying now, too.

Lilith and Mary are immediately at their sides.

“What happened?” Lilith wonders frantically.

“I don’t know.” Beatrice feels helpless.

“Get her to the living room, I’m going to shut off the stove.” Mary tells her; once again the one person in the room with the presence of mind to do what needs to be done.

Lilith helps Beatrice carry Ava to the couch. Ava koala bears herself to Beatrice when she tries to set her down, so Beatrice sits down and holds her in her lap instead. They stay like that for hours, or so it feels, before Ava’s sobs slowly fade into whimpers. Their friends are surrounding them in concern.

“I couldn’t save him…” Ava whispers quietly and Beatrice knows she’s talking about Father Vincent.

“That’s not your fault. He chose his side.” Lilith growls.

Beatrice feels Ava shake her head to refute. “But he didn’t. He was possessed. When I was holding him, in the end, trying to heal him. He told me he was sorry. That he couldn’t stop it. That he saw what was happening and couldn’t stop it.”

Beatrice’s eyes go wide as she shares a look with Mary.

“He was so sorry. And he...he was glad we were all okay.” Ava’s voice trembles as she continues. “I tried to save him.”

“You did everything you could. He knows that.” Lilith tells her with a shaky voice of her own. “And at least he wasn’t alone in the end.”

“So...he didn’t betray us?” Camila wonders quietly. “I...I hated him for it.”

“You’re not the only one.” Mary states. “But... _ fuck _ .”

They were all silent again. In contemplation. In mourning. Beatrice can only imagine how Ava feels right now. Learning that he wasn’t evil, that he was a pawn like so many others. And that she tried so hard to save him. She tried when everyone else had already given up on him.

And then it hits her. She understands Ava’s silence last night. Her moodiness. She  _ needed  _ to save Father Vincent. Because his redemption signified her own. Beatrice’s heart is breaking all over again.

“Ava, sweetie, you know that he died as himself. Right? That you  _ did  _ save him. You gave him the chance to make things right. He got to apologize. He got to see that you didn’t give up on him. His soul was at peace.  _ You  _ did that.” She whispers reverently to her, but loud enough for the others to realize Ava’s dilemma. Her fears.

“You proved that everyone is redeemable. It’s never too late.” Lilith jumps on the bandwagon. “Not that you needed to prove anything, because you had forgiven me so quickly and trusted me even when you had every reason not to.”

“And you may think you don’t have faith or that religion is bullshit...which, I agree, sometimes it can be.” Mary says firmly. “But you have faith in  _ people,  _ Ava. You never stopped believing in him and because of you, he died knowing that he was forgiven. Faith isn’t just about God. Neither is love or forgiveness.”

“And you brought Michael back, to his mom. You...I have never been so proud of anyone in my whole life than I am of you.” Camila adds with admiration and awe.

“You were far more than we could ever hope for in a Halo Bearer. And you’ve proven more faithful and willing to forgive than even the most devout of us. I don’t even care about the Halo anymore...about what our next mission might be. Ava, I don’t even know how to put into words what you mean to me. ‘ _ I love you _ ’ doesn’t even cut it anymore.” Beatrice tells her as she grips her more firmly and kisses her lips gently.

Then she wipes at the new tear tracks on Ava’s cheeks. Ava stares at her with such intensity that Beatrice wills herself not to look away.

“I’m glad you said that. Because...I don’t have the Halo anymore.”

“What?!” Lilith and Mary scream in confusion.

Beatrice wants to be as shocked as they are, but she figures it makes sense. The centuries old threat is truly gone. 

“When Michael healed me, after the fight. I asked him to save Father Vincent, but he said that wasn’t in God’s Plan. And then he said that it was over. And promised me that I would be rewarded for my service. I guess that meant, I get to keep my own life...and I can walk. So...yay.”

Beatrice knows that it is so much deeper than that. And it hurts her that Ava is still guarding herself and hiding behind humor.

“So...the Halo is really gone?” Camila asks, trying to keep up.

“Yup. I’m just little ole me now.” Ava says dryly.

“Which is good enough for me.” Mary says to which Camila nods so dramatically she’s practically bouncing in her seat.

“More than enough.” Lilith amends.

Ava’s eyes well with tears again. “Promise?”

Beatrice kisses the tears away. “We’re nuns, would we ever lie to you?”

Ava actually laughs at that. “Well…”

Beatrice holds her face in her hands and stares at her. “Would  _ I  _ ever lie to you?”

Ava bites her lip. “No. Never.”

“Good. Now that that is settled. We need to eat.” Mary says as she stands. 

Her eyes linger on Ava, just to make sure she’s really okay--before she walks away. Lilith cautiously reaches out and pats Ava on the shoulder gently.

“Glad you’re still here. And that you’re still you.” She says and exits the room.

Camila hovers above them. “Me too. And when you’re up for it, we need to do karaoke. You promised we would and we could all use a chance to just...be. To have fun and celebrate our win.” She pauses. “I know it sucks that we couldn’t save him. But he would want us to remember that we still have each other. And he’d want us to be happy. To enjoy the life we have now that it doesn’t revolve around the world ending and always fighting evil.”

“Karaoke.” Ava nods and looks at Beatrice. “And dancing.”

Beatrice lets herself smile at the thought. “And dancing.”

Camila’s eyes widen. “There will be dancing! I better start practicing!”

She breezes out of the room like a hurricane. And suddenly, it’s just Beatrice and Ava again.

“I’m sorry about last night.” Ava tells her.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“That you ever doubted your worth to me. That you thought the Halo was why I loved you.”

Ava blushes. “That isn’t...I didn’t think that.”

“But you thought that now that it was gone...it’d change things?”

“For so long, I didn’t want anything to do with the Halo...apart from it keeping me alive and allowing me to move and stuff. But...I liked the power it gave me. I know that at times I felt unworthy of it...but then, without it...I wondered if I was worthy at all. But then…”

“What?” Her voice creaks so she clears her throat. “Please tell me you know better now.”

“I do. I can see it in the way you look at me.” She touches Beatrice’s face. “I really am your whole world.”

“You are.”

“And you’d love me regardless of whether I have the Halo or if I had been confined in bed again.”

“Yes.”

Ava stares at her for several seconds before she smiles widely. “I believe you. Like, really believe you this time.”

Beatrice frowns. “You didn’t believe me before?”

Ava shrugs. “It was still hard, you know. But...Michael, when he saved me. When he told me that it was Father Vincent’s time but not mine--he said that I had people who still needed me. That I was loved.”

Beatrice swallows thickly and her own eyes swell with tears. “So it took a literal angel to convince you that you matter.”

Ava shakes her head and smirks. “You wanted me to believe in God. I do now. I thought you would be happier.”

Beatrice exhales in a huff. “I am happy. Happier now that I know you may actually let me love you properly now.”

Ava reddens. “I know you’re Ace and that wasn’t a sex reference. But I am more than ready for you to love me exactly how you want to.” She kisses her. “Because I plan to do the same.” She stands up and reaches out her hand for Beatrice to take a hold of. “Starting with dancing tonight. I want to show the world that you’re mine.”

  
  


xxxxx

They all lounge around most of the afternoon. Laughing and enjoying each other’s company without worrying about training and saving the world and all that other stuff. And it is nice. It’s a much needed break. So when it comes time to get ready for karaoke night, Beatrice follows Ava into their room, but is stopped at the doorway. 

She frowns in confusion. “What’s up?”

“We are not going to get ready for our first date together. I want to do this right. Camila’s in your old room with a bunch of options for you and Mary and Lilith are going to help me get ready. Then I’m going to knock on your door like a proper date would, and you will appropriately swoon.”

Beatrice blushes at the thought of this being their first official date and that Ava wants to make it special.

“Okay.” She says with a smile. “But kiss me first.”

Ava happily obliges before playfully shoving her away so she can “make herself presentable.”

It takes an hour of nervously changing in and out of the few clothes options she has available trying to settle on the perfect outfit. She finally decides on a basic black dress that feels familiar in a way she needs right now.

“She’s already in love with you and you’re already girlfriends. Why are you so nervous?” Camila asks when they finally settle down in front of a mirror to put on make-up.

“I want tonight to be perfect. I just want...I want her to not be able to form a coherent sentence in my presence. Or take her eyes off of me.”

She sees Camila’s furrowed brows through the mirror. “So like...you want it to be like any other day? I thought you wanted tonight to be special.”

Beatrice laughs out loud at that. Okay, maybe Camila is right and she’s overthinking it.

“I’m nervous because...I don’t know how to dance.”

“Does she?”

Beatrice considers that. “You’re right. We can learn together.”

The rest of the getting ready part goes off pretty uneventfully and before she knows it, there’s a hesitant knock at the door.

“I swear to God, you guys are too much. Seriously.” Camila throws her hands up in exasperation. “She  _ loves  _ you, Ava! Why not knock like you believe it?”

This time the knock is swift and  _ hard.  _ And if Ava still possessed the Halo, Beatrice is pretty sure there would be no door left. That thought makes her smile. Ava believes it now.  _ Finally. _

She doesn’t make her wait--she doesn’t have it in herself for patience anyway. She rips the door open and her breath catches at the sight of Ava in a red dress that hugs her body with gentle waves in her flowing hair.

“You’re beautiful.” She exhales breathlessly. “I mean, you always are. But...wow.”

Ava smiles at her. “Same.”

She then awkwardly shoves a handful of wildflowers at Beatrice. “I picked these for you from outside. Actually, it was in the garden, and I really hope that the people whose house this is don’t mind. Because these were the prettiest flowers I could find, and they don’t even half compare to how hot you look right now. Not hot. Well, I mean you  _ are  _ hot. But…” She squeezes her eyes shut tightly. “Please pretend I said something more elegant.” One eye pops open adorably. “Or I could go away and come back and try it all again. I think I’ll actually write a speech next time.”

“Ava. They’re beautiful. And it’s perfect.  _ You’re _ perfect. No need for a do over. I just want to hold your hand, and dance. Can we just...let’s do that.”

Ava nods as Beatrice takes the flowers from her hands. “Let’s put these in water first and then we’ll be on our way.”

They hold hands on the short walk to the kitchen. And Beatrice feels more content than she ever has before.

xxxxx

Beatrice knew she smiled like an idiot during Ava’s entire performance of a Taylor Swift song that she didn’t recognize. Her eyes never leave Ava as she watches her weave her way back through the crowd and towards her.

Camila is standing at the stage, waiting for her turn to perform. They lost Mary and Lilith nearly as soon as they walked in the bar. They are probably both getting drunk somewhere--which, good for them.

Ava finally reaches her. “Camila’s next and she’s dedicating a love song to us.” She kisses her on the forehead and extends her hand. “So...dance with me?”

Beatrice rolls her eyes. “That’s why we’re here, don’t act all shy now.”

She lets Ava lead her to the dance floor. Honestly, she’d follow this girl anywhere.

They stop when they reach the center. 

“How’s this?” Ava asks.

Beatrice smiles. “Perfect. Now what?”

Ava steps impossibly closer, and puts her arms around Beatrice’s neck. “You put your arms around me. And we sway back and forth to the music...when it starts.”

Beatrice nods. “I can do that.” She rests her hands on Ava’s hips, unsure if she is doing it right. “Like this?”

“Just like that.”

They start swaying before the music even starts. They are in sync as if they both hear the same non-existence rhythm. And maybe they do. Maybe they always had. The way they were always drawn to each other, like an invisible string connecting them. Making sure they found their way to each other. Making sure they stayed.

“You were wonderful up there. I loved every minute of it.” She tells Ava quietly as she distantly hears Camila singing in the background.

“Thanks.” Her fingers play with the loose strands of hair at the back of Beatrice’s neck and it makes her shiver. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like it.”

Ava smiles at her. “What song are you singing when it’s your turn?”

“I had a hard time deciding between Queen and Phantom of the Opera.”

Ava raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Wow...those two are very different. Which one did you choose?”

Beatrice smirks. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

She squeezes Ava’s hips playfully and kisses her, because she can. Before she knows it, Camila is at their side.

“That was so much fun! And look, you’re still dancing.” She tells them as she joins in easily. 

This next song is faster, so she and Ava reluctantly part as the three of them dance together. It isn’t until several songs later, that they realize that it’s Mary and Lilith up there jamming out to ‘ _ Hit Me With Your Best Shot.’ _

When their song is done, they drunkenly make their way over to the group and they all dance together for a while. Eventually, another slow song comes on and the dance floor starts to clear a bit. Ava and Beatrice instinctively move together and seamlessly start slow dancing again. The red string is always there; guiding them. Keeping them close.

“I like this.” Beatrice tells her with a smile that she knows lights up her entire face.

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“I know.” Ava smirks. Then she kisses her again. “I love you, too.”

She rests her head on Beatrice’s shoulder and all feels right with the world. She wants to stay like this forever. And then, she notices…

“Camila is kissing someone!” She says excitedly.

Ava whips her head around to see and that’s when they notice. 

“Lilith?!?!?!” The both yell excitedly before descending into a fit of giggles.

Yes, Beatrice thought to herself, all was right in the world. She knew that they would all be okay. Because they had each other. And because love always wins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be mostly fluff, but then KelseyO decided to wake me up this morning to discuss a broken Ava and I had lots of feelings I needed to get out. So I hope you don't mind! 
> 
> Thanks for taking this journey with me, I'm pretty sure I needed it all more than you did. Here's to our girls!


End file.
